Not only am I an observer in life but I am an also an open wound. I didn't feel good at all today and have had this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Whenever I get in this mode of feeling sort of strange within myself I need a change of scenery. Being broke the majority of the time I have always been very appreciative of going away to a very simple place which is what I ended up doing. Water always brings me to a certain point of zen or serenity so I went to the water.
As much as I didn't want to talk to anyone I was happy to talk fish with some of the local fisherman and they were very familiar with one of my favorite guys, Jeremy Wade. If you have never heard of Jeremy Wade he is the amazing guy on River Monsters, an incredible show well worth watching. Talking with these men made me think a lot of my growing up and my family. My memories are of being on the water with my family - extended family included. We would go out on our boats and fish and eat lunch out on the water and of course my favorite thing was my Mom tying us to the boat at Silver Lake wearing those bright orange life jackets that made it near impossible to move your head to enjoy the lake surroundings. The minute our feet hit anything questionable in the water it was back inside the boat! It brought back memories of my Grandparents and made me think of my Dad and what an important part of the life and relationship it was with him & his Dad.
These feelings were just rushing through me so candid and I began feeling even more sad at how things have changed so much. I wonder how things change so drastically.
You always know that you will grow up some day and that life changes in both good and bad ways but you can never know what you are truly in for. I know I couldn't have written a script as crazy as my life has turned out. It came down to just the realization that people, family, relationships change and that is something I really need to come to terms with. All those friends that you loved and trusted have changed in a way that allows you to easily exit them out of your life yet still leaving you feeling sad.
This brought me to some extremely harsh conclusions that I have been denying for a very long time. My dearest friends from my past have resurfaced over the past several months and it was so familiar and so comfortable - only to find there was this sort of predatory grooming process with them along with their hidden agenda. These are people who know me, know my strengths and prey on my weaknesses. I have allowed them to use me without even knowing it. Maybe I just didn't want to see it. Now that I have taken a step back it's become so clear to me what was actually happening. Did I need them in my life? Was I hoping things would be as they were back when we were in school? I don't really have an answer for those questions.
Life has not been easy and I wouldn't wish my experiences on anybody and it left me in a position that I did not trust anyone. Over a course of the past couple of years I have slowly started to open myself up again, allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting of people I genuinely cared about and loved sincerely. Now I'm feeling that I'm back to where I started - so guarded and that wall that protects me is being rebuilt. It's not just random people or estranged friends but it's with family as well. It's like I'm acting as a security guard of my life and making sure no can enter into my world.
I'm so tired. It's wearing when you feel like you owe everyone an explanation of who you are, where you've been and that long list of your faults because heaven forbid if you don't tell people about you & all you have been through, they will somehow find out a distorted version of YOUR TRUTH and then there is either this strange tension or that uncomfortable knowing that your secrets are being told and you have no control over your own life.
Here is the bottom line for me - I had this incredible feeling of sadness, a sort of nostalgia that I miss and that I know I can never get back. The memories are all I have. On top of that we have to accept the changes that are beyond anything we can control. I believe it is crucial that we learn to be open to some things but that it is not only ok to be cautious but it might save you from a lot of problematic situations and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm afraid that these experiences will start to really effect me and I don't want that to happen after so much hard work of trying to undo so much damage in my life.
What it comes down to is a very simple thing - keep quality people in your life, take care of what is necessary, make changes when they are needed without feeling bad and never feel that you owe anyone an explanation. The people that love you know that already and the ones who don't need to remain out of your circle of trust. Best of luck on your own journey as I venture onto mine....
Monday, September 5, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Is it really your place to speak?
I RECENTLY HAD A VERY STRANGE ENCOUNTER WITH A FAMILY MEMBER. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE SO CAUGHT OFF GUARD AND THEY ARE COMING ACROSS TO YOU AS SO NICE (LIKE BUDDY, BUDDY) AND THEN BOOM!!!! WELL I JUST HAD THIS HAPPEN AND I'M STILL IN SHOCK ABOUT IT.
WHEN YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE I THINK EACH ONE IS UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT. I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU ARE IN MY LIFE YOU SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED BUT IN A WAY I DO FEEL THAT. I TAKE MY RELATIONSHIPS VERY SERIOUSLY AND INVEST IN THEM CAREFULLY. THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO ALWAYS HAS LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, ACCEPTS ME FOR EXACTLY THE WEIRDO THAT I AM AND SHE IS MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND OR RELATIVE....TO ME SHE IS MY SISTER. I TALK ABOUT HER A LOT AND THE REASON BEING IS THAT SHE AND I ARE ONLY ONE MONTH APART AND THERE IS NOTHING WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER AND NOTHING WE WON'T KEEP FROM EACH OTHER. I KNOW IF SHE CAME TO ME OUT OF CONCERN OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON IT WOULD BE WITH NOTHING BUT GOOD INTENTION. I LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME AND NEVER TAKE OFFENSE. SHE KNOWS MY LIFE, ALL THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND THE SAME GOES WITH HER. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A PERSON WHO COMPLETELY DISTANCES THEMSELVES AND SUDDENLY MAKES YOUR LIFE THEIR BUSINESS THAT THEY HAVE NO PART OF - YEA, YOU DO TAKE GREAT OFFENSE TO THE WORDS THEY ARE SAYING BECAUSE IN YOUR MIND YOU KNOW IT IS WITHOUT YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.
THIS PARTICULAR THING HAD TO DO WITH THE MOST DEAR THING TO ME IN MY LIFE, MY CHILD. ANYONE WHO IS A PARENT CAN RELATE TO THIS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WHEN THINGS ARE BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION WITHOUT FACT AND FOR THE MESSENGERS OWN AGENDA IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. THIS WAS AN EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL THING TO GO THROUGH AND NATURALLY I WAS VERY DISTURBED BY THE CONVERSATION. THIS IS NOT A PERSON YOU CAN SORT OF TALK WITH - THIS IS A PERSON THAT TALKS AT YOU WITH ACCUSATION AND CONTEMPT. A PERSON WHO TALKS WITHOUT FACT AND THINKS THEY KNOW THINGS THAT ARE VERY VIOLATING AND SAID WITH A SHARP TONGUE YET SUCH A BUBBLY TONE OF VOICE. IT LITERALLY MADE ME SICK AND NATURALLY IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL.
WHO DOES THIS PERSON THINK THEY ARE TO INTRUDE INTO MY LIFE WITHOUT FACT, TRUE KNOWLEDGE AND WITH THOUGHT OF GOOD INTENTION?
YOU HAVE TO PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION TO THESE DO-GOODERS IN SOCIETY AND GROSSLY ENOUGH WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY! THERE IS NO SINCERITY OTHER THAN TO GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY DO NOT BELONG NOR ARE THEY INVITED. IF I WANTED THIS ADVISE OR OPINION I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR IT.
IRONICALLY - IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT "MY BIRTHDAY" NEEDED TO BE ON A DIFFERENT DAY BECAUSE THIS PERSON WOULD BE GONE FOR A SPA DAY....OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. REALLY? WHO SAID I WAS CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO SAID THIS PERSON WAS TO BE EVEN ONE FOOT NEAR ME ON THAT DAY? NOBODY! THAT'S WHO.
SO TO WRAP UP MY COMPLAINING SESSION UP I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING THAT IS VERY TRUE. FIRST OF ALL BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LET IN TO YOUR LIFE AND BLOCK THE ONES WHO DON'T NEED TO BE IN IT. AND SECOND - OPINIONS REALLY ARE LIKE ASSHOLES BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ONE.....WARRANTED OR NOT!
I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE....ACCEPT MAYBE THE ONE WHO IS NOTORIOUS IN DOING THIS.
WHEN YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE I THINK EACH ONE IS UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT. I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU ARE IN MY LIFE YOU SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED BUT IN A WAY I DO FEEL THAT. I TAKE MY RELATIONSHIPS VERY SERIOUSLY AND INVEST IN THEM CAREFULLY. THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO ALWAYS HAS LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, ACCEPTS ME FOR EXACTLY THE WEIRDO THAT I AM AND SHE IS MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND OR RELATIVE....TO ME SHE IS MY SISTER. I TALK ABOUT HER A LOT AND THE REASON BEING IS THAT SHE AND I ARE ONLY ONE MONTH APART AND THERE IS NOTHING WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER AND NOTHING WE WON'T KEEP FROM EACH OTHER. I KNOW IF SHE CAME TO ME OUT OF CONCERN OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON IT WOULD BE WITH NOTHING BUT GOOD INTENTION. I LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME AND NEVER TAKE OFFENSE. SHE KNOWS MY LIFE, ALL THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND THE SAME GOES WITH HER. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A PERSON WHO COMPLETELY DISTANCES THEMSELVES AND SUDDENLY MAKES YOUR LIFE THEIR BUSINESS THAT THEY HAVE NO PART OF - YEA, YOU DO TAKE GREAT OFFENSE TO THE WORDS THEY ARE SAYING BECAUSE IN YOUR MIND YOU KNOW IT IS WITHOUT YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.
THIS PARTICULAR THING HAD TO DO WITH THE MOST DEAR THING TO ME IN MY LIFE, MY CHILD. ANYONE WHO IS A PARENT CAN RELATE TO THIS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WHEN THINGS ARE BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION WITHOUT FACT AND FOR THE MESSENGERS OWN AGENDA IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. THIS WAS AN EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL THING TO GO THROUGH AND NATURALLY I WAS VERY DISTURBED BY THE CONVERSATION. THIS IS NOT A PERSON YOU CAN SORT OF TALK WITH - THIS IS A PERSON THAT TALKS AT YOU WITH ACCUSATION AND CONTEMPT. A PERSON WHO TALKS WITHOUT FACT AND THINKS THEY KNOW THINGS THAT ARE VERY VIOLATING AND SAID WITH A SHARP TONGUE YET SUCH A BUBBLY TONE OF VOICE. IT LITERALLY MADE ME SICK AND NATURALLY IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL.
WHO DOES THIS PERSON THINK THEY ARE TO INTRUDE INTO MY LIFE WITHOUT FACT, TRUE KNOWLEDGE AND WITH THOUGHT OF GOOD INTENTION?
YOU HAVE TO PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION TO THESE DO-GOODERS IN SOCIETY AND GROSSLY ENOUGH WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY! THERE IS NO SINCERITY OTHER THAN TO GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY DO NOT BELONG NOR ARE THEY INVITED. IF I WANTED THIS ADVISE OR OPINION I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR IT.
IRONICALLY - IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT "MY BIRTHDAY" NEEDED TO BE ON A DIFFERENT DAY BECAUSE THIS PERSON WOULD BE GONE FOR A SPA DAY....OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. REALLY? WHO SAID I WAS CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO SAID THIS PERSON WAS TO BE EVEN ONE FOOT NEAR ME ON THAT DAY? NOBODY! THAT'S WHO.
SO TO WRAP UP MY COMPLAINING SESSION UP I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING THAT IS VERY TRUE. FIRST OF ALL BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LET IN TO YOUR LIFE AND BLOCK THE ONES WHO DON'T NEED TO BE IN IT. AND SECOND - OPINIONS REALLY ARE LIKE ASSHOLES BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ONE.....WARRANTED OR NOT!
I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE....ACCEPT MAYBE THE ONE WHO IS NOTORIOUS IN DOING THIS.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I'M STILL IN SHOCK OF THE IGNORANCE
IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, EVEN AN INSECURE MAN, THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY APPRECIATE THIS BUT YOU CAN RELATE TO IT. I WAS WITH MY SISTER AND MY LITTLE CHAP AT A STORE (THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS) AND IN MY NEAR 39 YEAR I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS SCENARIO......I COULDN'T HAVE EVEN MADE IT UP.
AT THE AGE I AM IN MY LIFE I AM TRYING TO GET USED TO SOME PHYSICAL CHANGES - ONE OF THEM BEING WEIGHT IN MY MID SECTION OF MY BODY. I AM A REALIST AND I HAVE LEARNED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE I WAS NOT BUILT TO BE THIS TINY PETITE WOMAN. MY SISTER AND I BOTH DEAL WITH "THE CUP RUNNETH" OVER WITH OUR BRA SITUATION SO THAT IS ANOTHER THING.
AFTER MUCH THINKING AND FEELING SO FRUMPY I WANTED TO BUY A SIMPLE DRESS. YOU KNOW THOSE LONG AND FLOWY DRESSES THAT LOOK EFFORTLESS WITH CUTE JEWELRY AND FLIP FLOPS? WELL I FOUND A BEAUTIFUL PRINT DRESS THAT WAS A REASONABLE PRICE. AS WE WERE GOING ALONG AND WENT INTO LINGERIE I FOUND A SORT OF SLIMMING TANK THAT WAS A SMALL. IT WAS A REALLY NICE QUALITY ONE AND WAS ON CLEARANCE FOR A VERY INEXPENSIVE PRICE AND ALSO MATCHED THE DRESS. TOTAL BONUS! WE BOTH LOOKED AT THIS TANK AND THOUGH IT WAS A SMALL IT WAS A GREAT MATERIAL AND WOULD FIT (TIGHT) WHICH WAS THE POINT.
AS I MADE MY WAY TO THE REGISTER TO PAY WE KEPT LOOKING AT THIS DRESS AND WERE IN AWE OF SUCH A LOVELY PRINT. THE LINES WERE LONG AS USUAL BUT WE GOT IN RIGHT AFTER ONE PERSON AND A LONG LINE QUICKLY FORMED BEHIND US. THIS IS WHERE IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL.....
I GET UP TO PAY AND MY SISTER AND I ARE JUST SORT OF CHATTING AND THE YOUNG GIRL WHO WAS RINGING UP MY ORDER LOOKS AT ME A LONG STARE WHILE HOLDING UP THE SLIMMING TANK AND SAYS "YOU DO KNOW THIS IS A SMALL".......
THIS CAUGHT ME SO OFF GUARD THAT I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE WORDS. FIRST OF ALL - WHO DOES THAT! I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYONE READ THE SIZES AND SIZE ME UP AND MAKE COMMENTS WHILE I AM JUST SIMPLY PAYING FOR MY GARMENT. IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN FOR ME. IF I WAS MORBIDLY OBESE IT IS MY RIGHT TO PURCHASE ANYTHING I FEEL WITHOUT ANY COMMENT FROM ANYONE. MY FAMILY OWNED A CLOTHING STORE AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF BUSINESS QUICKLY WITH THIS ATTITUDE. I'M STILL IN SHOCK.
WE LEFT THE STORE AND JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LIKE "DID THAT JUST HAPPEN"......
IT WAS SO STRANGE AND BEYOND THE HUMILIATION AND INSECURITY I BECAME SO ANGRY AND I KNEW THAT GOING BACK INTO THE STORE WAS A VERY BAD IDEA. WE ARRIVED BACK TO MY SISTERS AND I CALLED THE STORE MANAGER WHO APOLOGIZED AND ASSURED ME THIS MATTER WOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF. THIS JUST DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME AND THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT I COULDN'T LET IT GO.
TRYING TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO THIS CORPORATION IS NOT AN EASY TASK BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP - BY THE THIRD TRY IT FINALLY WENT THROUGH. ALONG WITH MY COMPLAINT TO THE STORE MANAGER, THE EMAIL TO THE CORPORATION - I SWALLOWED MY PRIDE AND RETURNED MY ENTIRE PURCHASE AND GUESS WHO WAS STILL WORKING AT THE SAME REGISTER????????????????? I WAS SO MAD! SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT TALKED TO IN A WAY THAT EFFECTED HER JOB AND HOW COULD THIS MISTAKE BE CORRECTED? THIS PART OF THE SCENARIO IS WHAT I AM NOW WAITING ON. HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO INSENSITIVE AND SO IGNORANT? IT JUST ASTOUNDS ME AND QUITE FRANKLY I DOUBT I WILL BE VISITING THIS STORE AGAIN......
BUYERS BEWARE!!!!
AT THE AGE I AM IN MY LIFE I AM TRYING TO GET USED TO SOME PHYSICAL CHANGES - ONE OF THEM BEING WEIGHT IN MY MID SECTION OF MY BODY. I AM A REALIST AND I HAVE LEARNED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE I WAS NOT BUILT TO BE THIS TINY PETITE WOMAN. MY SISTER AND I BOTH DEAL WITH "THE CUP RUNNETH" OVER WITH OUR BRA SITUATION SO THAT IS ANOTHER THING.
AFTER MUCH THINKING AND FEELING SO FRUMPY I WANTED TO BUY A SIMPLE DRESS. YOU KNOW THOSE LONG AND FLOWY DRESSES THAT LOOK EFFORTLESS WITH CUTE JEWELRY AND FLIP FLOPS? WELL I FOUND A BEAUTIFUL PRINT DRESS THAT WAS A REASONABLE PRICE. AS WE WERE GOING ALONG AND WENT INTO LINGERIE I FOUND A SORT OF SLIMMING TANK THAT WAS A SMALL. IT WAS A REALLY NICE QUALITY ONE AND WAS ON CLEARANCE FOR A VERY INEXPENSIVE PRICE AND ALSO MATCHED THE DRESS. TOTAL BONUS! WE BOTH LOOKED AT THIS TANK AND THOUGH IT WAS A SMALL IT WAS A GREAT MATERIAL AND WOULD FIT (TIGHT) WHICH WAS THE POINT.
AS I MADE MY WAY TO THE REGISTER TO PAY WE KEPT LOOKING AT THIS DRESS AND WERE IN AWE OF SUCH A LOVELY PRINT. THE LINES WERE LONG AS USUAL BUT WE GOT IN RIGHT AFTER ONE PERSON AND A LONG LINE QUICKLY FORMED BEHIND US. THIS IS WHERE IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL.....
I GET UP TO PAY AND MY SISTER AND I ARE JUST SORT OF CHATTING AND THE YOUNG GIRL WHO WAS RINGING UP MY ORDER LOOKS AT ME A LONG STARE WHILE HOLDING UP THE SLIMMING TANK AND SAYS "YOU DO KNOW THIS IS A SMALL".......
THIS CAUGHT ME SO OFF GUARD THAT I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE WORDS. FIRST OF ALL - WHO DOES THAT! I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYONE READ THE SIZES AND SIZE ME UP AND MAKE COMMENTS WHILE I AM JUST SIMPLY PAYING FOR MY GARMENT. IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN FOR ME. IF I WAS MORBIDLY OBESE IT IS MY RIGHT TO PURCHASE ANYTHING I FEEL WITHOUT ANY COMMENT FROM ANYONE. MY FAMILY OWNED A CLOTHING STORE AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF BUSINESS QUICKLY WITH THIS ATTITUDE. I'M STILL IN SHOCK.
WE LEFT THE STORE AND JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LIKE "DID THAT JUST HAPPEN"......
IT WAS SO STRANGE AND BEYOND THE HUMILIATION AND INSECURITY I BECAME SO ANGRY AND I KNEW THAT GOING BACK INTO THE STORE WAS A VERY BAD IDEA. WE ARRIVED BACK TO MY SISTERS AND I CALLED THE STORE MANAGER WHO APOLOGIZED AND ASSURED ME THIS MATTER WOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF. THIS JUST DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME AND THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT I COULDN'T LET IT GO.
TRYING TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO THIS CORPORATION IS NOT AN EASY TASK BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP - BY THE THIRD TRY IT FINALLY WENT THROUGH. ALONG WITH MY COMPLAINT TO THE STORE MANAGER, THE EMAIL TO THE CORPORATION - I SWALLOWED MY PRIDE AND RETURNED MY ENTIRE PURCHASE AND GUESS WHO WAS STILL WORKING AT THE SAME REGISTER????????????????? I WAS SO MAD! SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT TALKED TO IN A WAY THAT EFFECTED HER JOB AND HOW COULD THIS MISTAKE BE CORRECTED? THIS PART OF THE SCENARIO IS WHAT I AM NOW WAITING ON. HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO INSENSITIVE AND SO IGNORANT? IT JUST ASTOUNDS ME AND QUITE FRANKLY I DOUBT I WILL BE VISITING THIS STORE AGAIN......
BUYERS BEWARE!!!!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
HAVE YOU MADE THOSE STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK AND THINK OF HOW I IMAGINED MY LIFE TURNING OUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING LIKE THIS. JUST BECAUSE MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN OUT ANY PARTICULAR WAY DOESN'T MEAN IT IS A BAD THING OR THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED. ON THE CONTRARY.
WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG THERE IS MORE FREEDOM IN BEING SPONTANEOUS AND YOU HAVE LESS RESPONSIBILITY - THOUGH NOT EVERYONE LIVES THE SAME LIFE AS ANOTHER. FOR ME I HAVE LIVED MORE LIFE WITH LESS POSITIVES. IMAGINE THAT. I EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS THAT I HAD FOR MYSELF AND MADE THE MOST OF WHAT I HAD TO WORK WITH AND WHAT I FOUND WAS WITHIN THAT I WAS FORCED TO PUSH HARDER AT LIVING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANTED IT TO GO.
OF COURSE I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF UPS AND DOWNS AND THE MILLIONS OF HURTS AND LET DOWNS AS EVERYONE DOES. I NEVER DREAMED I WOULD EVER HAVE A CHILD AND I AM THE PROUDEST PARENT.....I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY GO ON TO SCHOOL OR TRADE BUT DID BOTH. YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE. IF YOU DON'T REALLY LIVE UP TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND JUST STAY SETTLED IN THE EASY CHAIR YOU HAVE BECOME SO COMFORTABLE IN THEN YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.
THERE IS ONE THING THAT WEIGHS ON ME A LOT. I THOUGHT THAT MY FRIENDS FROM MY PAST WOULD ALWAYS BE MY FRIENDS, LIKE MY OTHER FAMILY THAT REALLY UNDERSTOOD ME. COME TO FIND THAT EVERYONE WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS AND NOT SO GOOD IN MY OPINION. DRUGS PLAYED A HUGE PART IN ALL OF IT AND IT'S BEEN A REALLY SAD REUNION WITH MANY OF THEM. BECAUSE OF THIS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEE THE REALITY THAT SITS IN FRONT OF ME. THESE ARE PEOPLE I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR BUT HAVE SUDDENLY TURNED INTO VICTIMS. I DO REALIZE THAT DRUG ADDICTION IS A DISEASE - OFTEN TIMES MANY THINGS COME INTO PLAY. THERE IS THE HEREDITARY FACTOR, THE CIRCUMSTANCES WE ARE FACED TO DEAL WITH IN LIFE, MENTAL ILLNESS AND SO MUCH MORE.
WHAT I FIND COMPLETELY APPALLING IS THAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN LIFE SUFFER FROM MANY HORRIFIC SITUATIONS AND CIRCUMSTANCES. THEN YOU THROW IN JOB LOSS, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, LOSING PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES FOR VARIOUS REASONS, TRAUMA, ETC. I CAN'T SPEAK ON THIS FOR EVERYONE BUT IN MY FAMILY WE DO HAVE A LOT OF SUBSTANCE ADDICTION AND MENTAL ILLNESS BUT IT'S NOT MY CRUTCH AND I REFUSE TO PLAY VICTIM TO IT. I THINK IF YOU ARE TRULY IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED HELP THEN ASK FOR IT. DON'T EXPECT TO GO AROUND ON A PITTY TRIP AND ABUSE OTHERS TO GET OVER ON THEM BECAUSE THAT DAMAGES ANY HOPE OF THAT FRIENDSHIP HOLDING ANY MEANING - EVEN IF IT WAS SO GREAT IN THE PAST.
I AM ALSO SICK OF THESE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW WHO GOT HEAVY INTO DRUGS, GOT INTO WEIRD SEXUAL THINGS (WHO ALSO BROUGHT CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD WITH NO BUSINESS RAISING THEM) AND NOW THAT THE FUN IS OVER LIFE IS SO SERIOUS FOR THEM AND THEY ARE SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS. MY RESPECT COMES OUT WITH A PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO HELP OTHERS BY WHAT THEY KNOW AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH - THE PREACHING I CAN DO WITHOUT. IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO JUDGE THEM BUT IT'S MY RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION.
WHEN I TALK ABOUT MAKING STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE IT IS REALLY A SIMPLE THING I GO TO AT A TIME OF TROUBLE. YES MY HEALTH IS FRUSTRATING. YES MY CHILD WAS NOT DEALT A FAIR HAND IN LIFE. YES - LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER......BUT COULDN'T THINGS ALSO BE SO MUCH WORSE? SO WHEN I GET DOWN I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE WORDS. MY LIFE IS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE TIME - IT DOESN'T END WITH AGE OR GROWING A THICKER SKIN. BUT FOR EVERY BAD THING I HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY TIMES MORE THAT COULD BE WORSE. LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT IS YOUR LAST AND MAKE IT COUNT. AND NEVER FORGET THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS CAN GET - NEVER BECOME THE VICTIM. MAKE THE STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE MATTER AND CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO WORK AT THEM A LITTLE BIT HARDER.
WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG THERE IS MORE FREEDOM IN BEING SPONTANEOUS AND YOU HAVE LESS RESPONSIBILITY - THOUGH NOT EVERYONE LIVES THE SAME LIFE AS ANOTHER. FOR ME I HAVE LIVED MORE LIFE WITH LESS POSITIVES. IMAGINE THAT. I EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS THAT I HAD FOR MYSELF AND MADE THE MOST OF WHAT I HAD TO WORK WITH AND WHAT I FOUND WAS WITHIN THAT I WAS FORCED TO PUSH HARDER AT LIVING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANTED IT TO GO.
OF COURSE I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF UPS AND DOWNS AND THE MILLIONS OF HURTS AND LET DOWNS AS EVERYONE DOES. I NEVER DREAMED I WOULD EVER HAVE A CHILD AND I AM THE PROUDEST PARENT.....I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY GO ON TO SCHOOL OR TRADE BUT DID BOTH. YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE. IF YOU DON'T REALLY LIVE UP TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND JUST STAY SETTLED IN THE EASY CHAIR YOU HAVE BECOME SO COMFORTABLE IN THEN YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.
THERE IS ONE THING THAT WEIGHS ON ME A LOT. I THOUGHT THAT MY FRIENDS FROM MY PAST WOULD ALWAYS BE MY FRIENDS, LIKE MY OTHER FAMILY THAT REALLY UNDERSTOOD ME. COME TO FIND THAT EVERYONE WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS AND NOT SO GOOD IN MY OPINION. DRUGS PLAYED A HUGE PART IN ALL OF IT AND IT'S BEEN A REALLY SAD REUNION WITH MANY OF THEM. BECAUSE OF THIS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEE THE REALITY THAT SITS IN FRONT OF ME. THESE ARE PEOPLE I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR BUT HAVE SUDDENLY TURNED INTO VICTIMS. I DO REALIZE THAT DRUG ADDICTION IS A DISEASE - OFTEN TIMES MANY THINGS COME INTO PLAY. THERE IS THE HEREDITARY FACTOR, THE CIRCUMSTANCES WE ARE FACED TO DEAL WITH IN LIFE, MENTAL ILLNESS AND SO MUCH MORE.
WHAT I FIND COMPLETELY APPALLING IS THAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN LIFE SUFFER FROM MANY HORRIFIC SITUATIONS AND CIRCUMSTANCES. THEN YOU THROW IN JOB LOSS, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, LOSING PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES FOR VARIOUS REASONS, TRAUMA, ETC. I CAN'T SPEAK ON THIS FOR EVERYONE BUT IN MY FAMILY WE DO HAVE A LOT OF SUBSTANCE ADDICTION AND MENTAL ILLNESS BUT IT'S NOT MY CRUTCH AND I REFUSE TO PLAY VICTIM TO IT. I THINK IF YOU ARE TRULY IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED HELP THEN ASK FOR IT. DON'T EXPECT TO GO AROUND ON A PITTY TRIP AND ABUSE OTHERS TO GET OVER ON THEM BECAUSE THAT DAMAGES ANY HOPE OF THAT FRIENDSHIP HOLDING ANY MEANING - EVEN IF IT WAS SO GREAT IN THE PAST.
I AM ALSO SICK OF THESE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW WHO GOT HEAVY INTO DRUGS, GOT INTO WEIRD SEXUAL THINGS (WHO ALSO BROUGHT CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD WITH NO BUSINESS RAISING THEM) AND NOW THAT THE FUN IS OVER LIFE IS SO SERIOUS FOR THEM AND THEY ARE SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS. MY RESPECT COMES OUT WITH A PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO HELP OTHERS BY WHAT THEY KNOW AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH - THE PREACHING I CAN DO WITHOUT. IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO JUDGE THEM BUT IT'S MY RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION.
WHEN I TALK ABOUT MAKING STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE IT IS REALLY A SIMPLE THING I GO TO AT A TIME OF TROUBLE. YES MY HEALTH IS FRUSTRATING. YES MY CHILD WAS NOT DEALT A FAIR HAND IN LIFE. YES - LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER......BUT COULDN'T THINGS ALSO BE SO MUCH WORSE? SO WHEN I GET DOWN I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE WORDS. MY LIFE IS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE TIME - IT DOESN'T END WITH AGE OR GROWING A THICKER SKIN. BUT FOR EVERY BAD THING I HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY TIMES MORE THAT COULD BE WORSE. LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT IS YOUR LAST AND MAKE IT COUNT. AND NEVER FORGET THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS CAN GET - NEVER BECOME THE VICTIM. MAKE THE STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE MATTER AND CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO WORK AT THEM A LITTLE BIT HARDER.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
BEING GIVING IS A GREAT THING AND YOU SHOULD NEVER EXPECT. IF YOU LOAN SOMEONE MONEY (OR IF THEY PUT YOU IN THE AWKWARD POSITION OF ASKING TO BORROW IT) THEN YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IS AS GIVING RATHER THAN A LOAN. MOST OF THE TIME WHEN YOU "LOAN" ANYTHING YOU MAY AS WELL BE GIVING IT AWAY. SO AS FAR AS MY GIVING GOES I LOVE TO GIVE BUT GENERALLY IT CAN'T BE MONEY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY. RECENTLY I LOANED MY LAST $10 TO A "FRIEND" WHO ASKED AND PROMISED TO PAY IT BACK THAT NIGHT - AND I MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR I NEEDED IT. HAVE I SEEN THE MONEY? YOU CAN GUESS....HAVE I SEEN MY "FRIEND"....YOU CAN GUESS.
IN THESE SITUATIONS I THINK TO MYSELF "REALLY - LIKE WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" IT'S STRANGE TO ME TO BE SUCH A JACKASS IN THESE SITUATIONS. YOU TRUST YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU ARE UNDER THE ILLUSION THAT THEY VALUE THE FRIENDSHIP BUT THESE THINGS MAKE YOU WONDER IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES.
FIRST OF ALL I WOULD NEVER ASK TO BORROW MONEY. I WOULD RATHER START PAWNING MY THINGS THAN TO PUT MYSELF AND SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT IN THAT POSITION. IT'S ALSO VERY RUDE TO MAKE PROMISES YOU KNOW YOU CANNOT KEEP. ANOTHER REFERENCE TO MY "NO MAKING PROMISES" RULE. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WHO IS LOOKED AT AS A LIAR OR A FLAKE.
I'M NOT A STUPID PERSON AND I ALWAYS GIVE AT LEAST ONE CHANCE TO NOT PROVE ME WRONG AND WHEN I DO END UP DISAPPOINTED I'VE LEARNED. THE ONLY PERSON I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IS MY CHILD AND MYSELF. I AM NOT RAISING A CHILD THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN "ADULT" AND A "FRIEND" BECAUSE IT'S LAME. IF I WERE THEM I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THEM AS WELL AS FRUSTRATED. I DON'T LIKE BEING LET DOWN AND WHEN I GIVE I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO BOW DOWN TO ME IN PRAISE BUT IT'S JUST A COURTESY TO BE RESPECTFUL.
THIS PHRASE IS ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES AND MAYBE I CAN BE A LITTLE CRASS AT TIMES BUT WHEN YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PERSON WHO IS A HUMAN LEACH YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THEM BE. REALLY? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IT'S A BLUNT QUESTION THAT MANY OF THESE USERS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER SO IF YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE" THEN YOU HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION AND IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE AND WISH THEM WELL...
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
MAYBE IT'S TIME TO CLEANUP
THE TOPIC OF RELATIONSHIPS IS VERY BROAD. WHAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND SO MUCH LATELY ARE THE FRIENDSHIPS WE CARRY AND I DID A MAJOR "CLEANUP" A WHILE AGO. I THINK THIS TERM IS FITTING BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT WITH ANYTHING YOU BALANCE IN HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE WHETHER ANYONE UNDERSTANDS OR NOT.
WITH ALL THE DIFFICULTIES IN LIFE WE SOMETIMES RELY MORE ON OUR FRIENDS THAN EVEN OUR FAMILIES BUT YOUR FAMILY CAN BE JUST THOSE PEOPLE. IN MY CASE IT IS. MY BESTIE AND I TALK ABOUT SO MUCH ABOUT THE VERY TOPICS I WRITE ABOUT BECAUSE WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SHARING THE SAME THOUGHT PROCESS WHICH IS CRAZY! WE'RE ONE MONTH APART AND IT SEEMS WE NEARLY HAVE A TWIN MENTALITY. SHE IS MY BFF/MY TRUSTED CONFIDENT/LOYAL FRIEND/AND MY COUSIN-SISTER. I VALUE OUR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCH AND I HOPE I NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. WITHOUT HER I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
FRIENDSHIPS CAN BE CHALLENGING BECAUSE THEY CAN BE AS DEEP AND INVESTED IN AS A MARRIAGE. TRUE FRIENDSHIP IS ONE WHERE YOU FEEL YOU ARE AN EQUAL IN. IT SHOULD NEVER BE BASED ON STATUS OR HOW MUCH MONEY YOU DO OR DO NOT HAVE. THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD ALWAYS BE A PRIORITY TO BOTH PEOPLE. IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A FRIEND WHERE YOU HAVE SET TIMES YOU CAN TALK OR ARRANGE TO MEET AROUND THEIR PARTNERS SCHEDULE CAN BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN AND TO BE FRANK, THESE ARE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT DO NOT INTEREST ME. I AM NOT IN COMPETITION WITH ANTONE'S OTHER HALF. IN THE PAST I HAVE AND THERE WAS SOME WEIRD JEALOUSY THING. I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS BUT MY "FRIEND" ALWAYS MADE SURE TO TELL ME ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HER HUSBAND HAD SAID ABOUT ME. THIS WAS A TEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MADE IT SO DIFFICULT WAS THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE INVESTED SO MUCH AND RELATIONSHIPS EVEN FORM WITH THE CHILDREN AND YOU ARE SO INTERTWINED IN THEIR LIVES.
WHEN YOU HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHWHILE OR THAT YOU ARE JUST THERE AT THEIR DISPOSAL IT IS NO LONGER A FRIENDSHIP. THIS PERSON BECOMES AN ACQUAINTANCE AND YOU HAVE TO SORT OF BREAKUP AS YOU WOULD IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. WITH MY FRIEND SHE WOULD PUT HER HUSBAND ON SPEAKER PHONE WHEN HE WOULD CALL AND THEN WHEN SHE WOULD TELL HIM WHO SHE WAS WITH I HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL THE VIAL THINGS HE WOULD SAY ABOUT ME. THEN THERE WOULD BE TIMES THAT SHE WAS JUST TOO BUSY TO DO ANYTHING ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE HAD BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS. IT WASN'T EVEN JEALOUSY BUT WHY LIE? AFTER TRYING TO REASON WITH HER ABOUT MY FEELINGS REGARDING HER HUSBAND AND HOW IT MADE ME FEEL, I FELT THAT I WAS NEVER REALLY HEARD. SHE HAD A MILLION EXCUSES AND I WOULD TRY AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW BUT NOTHING CHANGED. WHEN I COMPLETELY STOPPED TALKING WITH HER SHE WOULD WRITE ME THESE EMAILS TELLING ME HOW MUCH SHE MISSED ME AND THAT IF I WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING TO JUST CALL HER WHEN I WAS READY. AFTER EXHAUSTING ALL OF MY RESOURCES I WAS TAPPED OUT AND FOR ME THE FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT BUT IN MY MIND IT WAS DONE AND IT FELT LIKE THIS HUGE WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED. IT WASN'T EASY FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I NOT ONLY CARED FOR HER BUT I HAD BEEN THERE FOR HER KIDS THROUGH ALL OF HER PREGNANCIES AND ALL THE GOOD & BAD STUFF IN LIFE. BUT THE BREAKUP HAD TO HAPPEN.
WHEN A FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO MUCH WORK AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY VALUES IT THEN IT MIGHT NOT BE THE HEALTHIEST THING TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE. I NEVER WANT TO BE A BOTHER TO ANYONE AND IF IT'S THAT DIFFICULT FOR THAT PERSON TO MAKE ANY TIME FOR ME IN THEIR LIFE OR UNDERSTAND HOW I LIVE MINE THEN IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
A GENUINE CARE AND LOYALTY IN A FRIENDSHIP IS ONE THAT YOU CAN RELY ON NO MATTER WHAT. FOR ME PERSONALLY FRIENDSHIPS ARE TRICKY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY TRUST ISSUES, ESPECIALLY WITH WOMEN. MY LIFE IS NAVIGATED BOTH BY CHOICE AND BY CIRCUMSTANCE. I FEEL SOMETIMES LIKE I'M NOT THE GREATEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. YOUR TRUE FRIENDS KNOW YOU. THEY KNOW YOUR HEART, THEY UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE WITHOUT GOING INTO SOME BIG EXPLANATION, AND THEY ARE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT CONDITIONS.
NO FRIENDSHIP IS PERFECT. THERE WILL BE MISUNDERSTANDINGS AT TIMES OR YOU MIGHT BE AN OFF MOOD AND SOMETHING THEY SAY MIGHT IRRITATE FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER - BUT THAT'S OK. IT'S NORMAL AND IT'S HEALTHY. TO BE ABLE TO WEATHER THE MORE UNPLEASANT TIMES IS A REAL TESTAMENT TO THE FRIENDSHIP AND DEFINITELY ONE TO HOLD ON TO AND KEEP INVESTING IN. YES THERE MAY BE BUSY SCHEDULES AND OF COURSE IF YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO BE CONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THAT TOO.
LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT A FRIEND WHO DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL IMPORTANT ENOUGH. IT IS SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT BECOMES THE NORM IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT IS CAUSING YOU HURT AND DAMAGES THE SHRED OF FRIENDSHIP YOU ARE CLINGING TO. IT'S NOT SO SIMPLE TO DO BUT SOMETIMES IT IS JUST TIME TO MOVE ON.....WITHOUT THEM.
FRIENDSHIPS ARE ABOUT QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR HEART AND CAN BE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH A PERSON WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANNOYING THEM BECAUSE YOU CALLED AND INTERRUPTED SOMETHING OR THAT BLOWS YOU OFF AND JUST WON'T MEET YOU IN THE MIDDLE? MOST OF US WOULDN'T SO WHY WOULD FRIENDS BE THE EXCEPTION TO THIS? WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE DO YOU WANT TO WORK SO HARD AT SOMETHING THAT ADDS NOTHING TO YOUR LIFE AT ALL? JUST REMEMBER - QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY. YOU NEVER HAVE TO "SETTLE" IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. BE WITH PEOPLE WHO BUILD YOU UP AND DON'T JUDGE YOU FOR YOUR PAST OR FOR CHOICES YOU MAKE THAT THEY DON'T AGREE WITH. WHEN HARD TIMES COME AND AFTER THE SMOKE CLEARS YOU WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOR WHO THEY ARE AND THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE.......AND WHEN YOU FIND THAT OUT YOU WILL KNOW WHETHER OR NOT IT'S TIME TO DO SOME CLEANUP AND RID YOURSELF OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BRING NOTHING BUT STRESS AND INSECURITIES TO YOUR LIFE.
WITH ALL THE DIFFICULTIES IN LIFE WE SOMETIMES RELY MORE ON OUR FRIENDS THAN EVEN OUR FAMILIES BUT YOUR FAMILY CAN BE JUST THOSE PEOPLE. IN MY CASE IT IS. MY BESTIE AND I TALK ABOUT SO MUCH ABOUT THE VERY TOPICS I WRITE ABOUT BECAUSE WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SHARING THE SAME THOUGHT PROCESS WHICH IS CRAZY! WE'RE ONE MONTH APART AND IT SEEMS WE NEARLY HAVE A TWIN MENTALITY. SHE IS MY BFF/MY TRUSTED CONFIDENT/LOYAL FRIEND/AND MY COUSIN-SISTER. I VALUE OUR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCH AND I HOPE I NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. WITHOUT HER I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
FRIENDSHIPS CAN BE CHALLENGING BECAUSE THEY CAN BE AS DEEP AND INVESTED IN AS A MARRIAGE. TRUE FRIENDSHIP IS ONE WHERE YOU FEEL YOU ARE AN EQUAL IN. IT SHOULD NEVER BE BASED ON STATUS OR HOW MUCH MONEY YOU DO OR DO NOT HAVE. THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD ALWAYS BE A PRIORITY TO BOTH PEOPLE. IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A FRIEND WHERE YOU HAVE SET TIMES YOU CAN TALK OR ARRANGE TO MEET AROUND THEIR PARTNERS SCHEDULE CAN BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN AND TO BE FRANK, THESE ARE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT DO NOT INTEREST ME. I AM NOT IN COMPETITION WITH ANTONE'S OTHER HALF. IN THE PAST I HAVE AND THERE WAS SOME WEIRD JEALOUSY THING. I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS BUT MY "FRIEND" ALWAYS MADE SURE TO TELL ME ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HER HUSBAND HAD SAID ABOUT ME. THIS WAS A TEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MADE IT SO DIFFICULT WAS THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE INVESTED SO MUCH AND RELATIONSHIPS EVEN FORM WITH THE CHILDREN AND YOU ARE SO INTERTWINED IN THEIR LIVES.
WHEN YOU HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHWHILE OR THAT YOU ARE JUST THERE AT THEIR DISPOSAL IT IS NO LONGER A FRIENDSHIP. THIS PERSON BECOMES AN ACQUAINTANCE AND YOU HAVE TO SORT OF BREAKUP AS YOU WOULD IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. WITH MY FRIEND SHE WOULD PUT HER HUSBAND ON SPEAKER PHONE WHEN HE WOULD CALL AND THEN WHEN SHE WOULD TELL HIM WHO SHE WAS WITH I HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL THE VIAL THINGS HE WOULD SAY ABOUT ME. THEN THERE WOULD BE TIMES THAT SHE WAS JUST TOO BUSY TO DO ANYTHING ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE HAD BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS. IT WASN'T EVEN JEALOUSY BUT WHY LIE? AFTER TRYING TO REASON WITH HER ABOUT MY FEELINGS REGARDING HER HUSBAND AND HOW IT MADE ME FEEL, I FELT THAT I WAS NEVER REALLY HEARD. SHE HAD A MILLION EXCUSES AND I WOULD TRY AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW BUT NOTHING CHANGED. WHEN I COMPLETELY STOPPED TALKING WITH HER SHE WOULD WRITE ME THESE EMAILS TELLING ME HOW MUCH SHE MISSED ME AND THAT IF I WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING TO JUST CALL HER WHEN I WAS READY. AFTER EXHAUSTING ALL OF MY RESOURCES I WAS TAPPED OUT AND FOR ME THE FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT BUT IN MY MIND IT WAS DONE AND IT FELT LIKE THIS HUGE WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED. IT WASN'T EASY FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I NOT ONLY CARED FOR HER BUT I HAD BEEN THERE FOR HER KIDS THROUGH ALL OF HER PREGNANCIES AND ALL THE GOOD & BAD STUFF IN LIFE. BUT THE BREAKUP HAD TO HAPPEN.
WHEN A FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO MUCH WORK AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY VALUES IT THEN IT MIGHT NOT BE THE HEALTHIEST THING TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE. I NEVER WANT TO BE A BOTHER TO ANYONE AND IF IT'S THAT DIFFICULT FOR THAT PERSON TO MAKE ANY TIME FOR ME IN THEIR LIFE OR UNDERSTAND HOW I LIVE MINE THEN IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
A GENUINE CARE AND LOYALTY IN A FRIENDSHIP IS ONE THAT YOU CAN RELY ON NO MATTER WHAT. FOR ME PERSONALLY FRIENDSHIPS ARE TRICKY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY TRUST ISSUES, ESPECIALLY WITH WOMEN. MY LIFE IS NAVIGATED BOTH BY CHOICE AND BY CIRCUMSTANCE. I FEEL SOMETIMES LIKE I'M NOT THE GREATEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. YOUR TRUE FRIENDS KNOW YOU. THEY KNOW YOUR HEART, THEY UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE WITHOUT GOING INTO SOME BIG EXPLANATION, AND THEY ARE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT CONDITIONS.
NO FRIENDSHIP IS PERFECT. THERE WILL BE MISUNDERSTANDINGS AT TIMES OR YOU MIGHT BE AN OFF MOOD AND SOMETHING THEY SAY MIGHT IRRITATE FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER - BUT THAT'S OK. IT'S NORMAL AND IT'S HEALTHY. TO BE ABLE TO WEATHER THE MORE UNPLEASANT TIMES IS A REAL TESTAMENT TO THE FRIENDSHIP AND DEFINITELY ONE TO HOLD ON TO AND KEEP INVESTING IN. YES THERE MAY BE BUSY SCHEDULES AND OF COURSE IF YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO BE CONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THAT TOO.
LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT A FRIEND WHO DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL IMPORTANT ENOUGH. IT IS SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT BECOMES THE NORM IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT IS CAUSING YOU HURT AND DAMAGES THE SHRED OF FRIENDSHIP YOU ARE CLINGING TO. IT'S NOT SO SIMPLE TO DO BUT SOMETIMES IT IS JUST TIME TO MOVE ON.....WITHOUT THEM.
FRIENDSHIPS ARE ABOUT QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR HEART AND CAN BE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH A PERSON WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANNOYING THEM BECAUSE YOU CALLED AND INTERRUPTED SOMETHING OR THAT BLOWS YOU OFF AND JUST WON'T MEET YOU IN THE MIDDLE? MOST OF US WOULDN'T SO WHY WOULD FRIENDS BE THE EXCEPTION TO THIS? WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE DO YOU WANT TO WORK SO HARD AT SOMETHING THAT ADDS NOTHING TO YOUR LIFE AT ALL? JUST REMEMBER - QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY. YOU NEVER HAVE TO "SETTLE" IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. BE WITH PEOPLE WHO BUILD YOU UP AND DON'T JUDGE YOU FOR YOUR PAST OR FOR CHOICES YOU MAKE THAT THEY DON'T AGREE WITH. WHEN HARD TIMES COME AND AFTER THE SMOKE CLEARS YOU WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOR WHO THEY ARE AND THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE.......AND WHEN YOU FIND THAT OUT YOU WILL KNOW WHETHER OR NOT IT'S TIME TO DO SOME CLEANUP AND RID YOURSELF OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BRING NOTHING BUT STRESS AND INSECURITIES TO YOUR LIFE.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
HOW SUPERFICIAL ARE YOU?
EVERYONE WILL SAY THAT THEY SEE SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE AND NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. I FEEL THAT I AM A PERSON WHO IS FAIR IN THAT DEPARTMENT. IN MY LOVE LIFE I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH SOME OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MEN AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH MEN THAT OTHERS WOULD SCRATCH THEIR HEAD IN WONDER....
THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT WE ALL WANT TO BE THE "BIGGER PERSON" AND SEE BEYOND THE OUTER LAYER OF A PERSON BUT CAN YOU REALLY LOOK AT A PERSON AND KNOW THEIR HEART? IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SEE A PERSON AND FIND AN IMMEDIATE ATTRACTION BY THE WAY THEY LOOK. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING BUT THE OUTER LAYER. A LUSTFUL ATTRACTION RATHER THAN A LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH DEPTH AND SUBSTANCE.
AT MY AGE I FIND THAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE CHANGES IN MY BODY THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE. SUPPOSEDLY IT'S AGE AND THE CHANGING OF A WOMAN'S BODY BUT FOR ME I HAVE NEVER HAD STOMACH FAT AND IT IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO JUST GET USED TO.
WHEN I AM OUT IN PUBLIC FOR WHATEVER REASON, I LOOK AROUND AND I OBSERVE PEOPLE RATHER THAN LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN. I WONDER WHAT IT IS THEY ARE LOOKING AT. IT'S SO GROSS TO SEE A GUY WITH HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WHO IS LOOKING AROUND AT OTHER WOMEN AND THERE ARE SCREAMING CHILDREN IN THE SHOPPING CART BUT HIS EYES ARE GLUED ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIS CHILDREN WHO ARE ABOUT TO JUMP HEAD FIRST OUT OF THE CART. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING TO SEE AND SHAMEFUL. IF I HEAR ONE MORE GUY SAY "I'M A GUY, I CAN'T HELP IT" ......BULLSHIT! THAT IS THE LAMEST THING I HEAR. IF THAT IS TRUE - THE WHOLE "GENDER" ATTITUDE AND GENERAL FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT THEN WE ARE IN TROUBLE. WOMEN COULD GET TIRED OF THEIR MAN GOING OUT OF THEM, NEVER FEELING LIKE THEY ARE ENOUGH FOR THE MAN THAT PROMISED TO LOVE THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM UNCONDITIONALLY - NOT TO MENTION THE FAMILY. AND YET, WE WONDER WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T BE CIVIL WHEN A BREAKUP OCCURS AND THE CHILDREN PAY FOR THE RESENTMENT THEIR PARENTS HAVE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT ENDS UP BEING A NO WIN SITUATION.
I KNOW OF A FEW MEN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD WHO FEEL SO VICTIMIZED BY WHAT THEIR EX IS PUTTING THEM THROUGH. PLEASE LET ME MAKE ONE THING VERY CLEAR - A MAN PLAYING "VICTIM" IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE AND EMASCULATING QUALITY THAT I PERSONALLY CANNOT STAND! IT'S GROSS. THEY ARE NOT A VICTIM.
YES, THERE ARE SOME NASTY SITUATIONS BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS ACTIONS SO WHY GET SO WORKED UP AND UPSET? THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS TRY TO MAINTAIN AND LIVE RIGHT AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
SO THIS TAKES ME BACK TO THE OVERALL QUESTION OF BEING SUPERFICIAL. NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN RELATIONSHIPS GENERALLY ARE VISUALLY BASED BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL LAST. NOBODY CAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO IN SOME WAY. IT DOESN'T EVEN COME DOWN TO A SEXUAL THING. THERE HAS TO BE A MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE THAT CAN GO FOR THE LONG HAUL. THERE ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP I KNOW OF THAT HAS BEEN EASY. IT IS WORK AND COMMITMENT. LET'S FACE IT - WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE BUT IS IT WORTH A LITTLE LUSTFUL FUN AND RISK RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP/FAMILY? IF YOU ARE A SUPERFICIAL PERSON AND JUST NEED THAT "VARIETY" IN YOUR LIFE THEN YOU ARE POSSIBLY GOING TO CARRY CRABS THAT DIDN'T COME FROM THE BEACH AND YOU WILL LIVE A VERY LONELY LIFE. A LASTING RELATIONSHIP THAT CAN ENDURE ALL OF THE TEMPTATION AROUND US AND COMPLETE YOUR LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS IS WORTH IT - TO ME. IN OUR SOCIETY ANYTHING GOES AND IT'S DAMAGING THE CHANCES OF EVER BEING ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE REALNESS THAT A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO OFFER. IT'S FAIR GAME THOUGH - IT TAKES A HELL OF A MAN AND AN AMAZING WOMAN TO MAKE THIS WORK BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE.
I'M THE POSTER CHILD FOR PATHETIC RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANT AT LEAST ONE MAN TO PROVE MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS WRONG. I DOUBT I WILL EVER GET MARRIED BUT I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE AND CONTENT THAN BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T FULFILL ME. IT ISN'T WORTH IT TO ME TO WORRY ABOUT A GUY WHO YOU KNOW IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER OR THE OPPORTUNIST JUST WAITING FOR AN OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH.
THIS HAS BEEN MY TOTAL BITCHING SESSION BECAUSE THESE ISSUES IRRITATE ME TO NO END AND IF ANY OF YOU MEN ARE READING THIS PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE SOME INPUT. I KNOW THAT MANY OF US WOMEN WOULD JUST LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT WE ALL WANT TO BE THE "BIGGER PERSON" AND SEE BEYOND THE OUTER LAYER OF A PERSON BUT CAN YOU REALLY LOOK AT A PERSON AND KNOW THEIR HEART? IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SEE A PERSON AND FIND AN IMMEDIATE ATTRACTION BY THE WAY THEY LOOK. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING BUT THE OUTER LAYER. A LUSTFUL ATTRACTION RATHER THAN A LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH DEPTH AND SUBSTANCE.
AT MY AGE I FIND THAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE CHANGES IN MY BODY THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE. SUPPOSEDLY IT'S AGE AND THE CHANGING OF A WOMAN'S BODY BUT FOR ME I HAVE NEVER HAD STOMACH FAT AND IT IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO JUST GET USED TO.
WHEN I AM OUT IN PUBLIC FOR WHATEVER REASON, I LOOK AROUND AND I OBSERVE PEOPLE RATHER THAN LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN. I WONDER WHAT IT IS THEY ARE LOOKING AT. IT'S SO GROSS TO SEE A GUY WITH HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WHO IS LOOKING AROUND AT OTHER WOMEN AND THERE ARE SCREAMING CHILDREN IN THE SHOPPING CART BUT HIS EYES ARE GLUED ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIS CHILDREN WHO ARE ABOUT TO JUMP HEAD FIRST OUT OF THE CART. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING TO SEE AND SHAMEFUL. IF I HEAR ONE MORE GUY SAY "I'M A GUY, I CAN'T HELP IT" ......BULLSHIT! THAT IS THE LAMEST THING I HEAR. IF THAT IS TRUE - THE WHOLE "GENDER" ATTITUDE AND GENERAL FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT THEN WE ARE IN TROUBLE. WOMEN COULD GET TIRED OF THEIR MAN GOING OUT OF THEM, NEVER FEELING LIKE THEY ARE ENOUGH FOR THE MAN THAT PROMISED TO LOVE THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM UNCONDITIONALLY - NOT TO MENTION THE FAMILY. AND YET, WE WONDER WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T BE CIVIL WHEN A BREAKUP OCCURS AND THE CHILDREN PAY FOR THE RESENTMENT THEIR PARENTS HAVE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT ENDS UP BEING A NO WIN SITUATION.
I KNOW OF A FEW MEN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD WHO FEEL SO VICTIMIZED BY WHAT THEIR EX IS PUTTING THEM THROUGH. PLEASE LET ME MAKE ONE THING VERY CLEAR - A MAN PLAYING "VICTIM" IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE AND EMASCULATING QUALITY THAT I PERSONALLY CANNOT STAND! IT'S GROSS. THEY ARE NOT A VICTIM.
YES, THERE ARE SOME NASTY SITUATIONS BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS ACTIONS SO WHY GET SO WORKED UP AND UPSET? THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS TRY TO MAINTAIN AND LIVE RIGHT AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
SO THIS TAKES ME BACK TO THE OVERALL QUESTION OF BEING SUPERFICIAL. NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN RELATIONSHIPS GENERALLY ARE VISUALLY BASED BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL LAST. NOBODY CAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO IN SOME WAY. IT DOESN'T EVEN COME DOWN TO A SEXUAL THING. THERE HAS TO BE A MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE THAT CAN GO FOR THE LONG HAUL. THERE ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP I KNOW OF THAT HAS BEEN EASY. IT IS WORK AND COMMITMENT. LET'S FACE IT - WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE BUT IS IT WORTH A LITTLE LUSTFUL FUN AND RISK RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP/FAMILY? IF YOU ARE A SUPERFICIAL PERSON AND JUST NEED THAT "VARIETY" IN YOUR LIFE THEN YOU ARE POSSIBLY GOING TO CARRY CRABS THAT DIDN'T COME FROM THE BEACH AND YOU WILL LIVE A VERY LONELY LIFE. A LASTING RELATIONSHIP THAT CAN ENDURE ALL OF THE TEMPTATION AROUND US AND COMPLETE YOUR LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS IS WORTH IT - TO ME. IN OUR SOCIETY ANYTHING GOES AND IT'S DAMAGING THE CHANCES OF EVER BEING ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE REALNESS THAT A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO OFFER. IT'S FAIR GAME THOUGH - IT TAKES A HELL OF A MAN AND AN AMAZING WOMAN TO MAKE THIS WORK BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE.
I'M THE POSTER CHILD FOR PATHETIC RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANT AT LEAST ONE MAN TO PROVE MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS WRONG. I DOUBT I WILL EVER GET MARRIED BUT I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE AND CONTENT THAN BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T FULFILL ME. IT ISN'T WORTH IT TO ME TO WORRY ABOUT A GUY WHO YOU KNOW IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER OR THE OPPORTUNIST JUST WAITING FOR AN OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH.
THIS HAS BEEN MY TOTAL BITCHING SESSION BECAUSE THESE ISSUES IRRITATE ME TO NO END AND IF ANY OF YOU MEN ARE READING THIS PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE SOME INPUT. I KNOW THAT MANY OF US WOMEN WOULD JUST LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
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