EVERYONE WILL SAY THAT THEY SEE SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE AND NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. I FEEL THAT I AM A PERSON WHO IS FAIR IN THAT DEPARTMENT. IN MY LOVE LIFE I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH SOME OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MEN AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH MEN THAT OTHERS WOULD SCRATCH THEIR HEAD IN WONDER....
THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT WE ALL WANT TO BE THE "BIGGER PERSON" AND SEE BEYOND THE OUTER LAYER OF A PERSON BUT CAN YOU REALLY LOOK AT A PERSON AND KNOW THEIR HEART? IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SEE A PERSON AND FIND AN IMMEDIATE ATTRACTION BY THE WAY THEY LOOK. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING BUT THE OUTER LAYER. A LUSTFUL ATTRACTION RATHER THAN A LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH DEPTH AND SUBSTANCE.
AT MY AGE I FIND THAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE CHANGES IN MY BODY THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE. SUPPOSEDLY IT'S AGE AND THE CHANGING OF A WOMAN'S BODY BUT FOR ME I HAVE NEVER HAD STOMACH FAT AND IT IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO JUST GET USED TO.
WHEN I AM OUT IN PUBLIC FOR WHATEVER REASON, I LOOK AROUND AND I OBSERVE PEOPLE RATHER THAN LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN. I WONDER WHAT IT IS THEY ARE LOOKING AT. IT'S SO GROSS TO SEE A GUY WITH HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WHO IS LOOKING AROUND AT OTHER WOMEN AND THERE ARE SCREAMING CHILDREN IN THE SHOPPING CART BUT HIS EYES ARE GLUED ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIS CHILDREN WHO ARE ABOUT TO JUMP HEAD FIRST OUT OF THE CART. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING TO SEE AND SHAMEFUL. IF I HEAR ONE MORE GUY SAY "I'M A GUY, I CAN'T HELP IT" ......BULLSHIT! THAT IS THE LAMEST THING I HEAR. IF THAT IS TRUE - THE WHOLE "GENDER" ATTITUDE AND GENERAL FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT THEN WE ARE IN TROUBLE. WOMEN COULD GET TIRED OF THEIR MAN GOING OUT OF THEM, NEVER FEELING LIKE THEY ARE ENOUGH FOR THE MAN THAT PROMISED TO LOVE THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM UNCONDITIONALLY - NOT TO MENTION THE FAMILY. AND YET, WE WONDER WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T BE CIVIL WHEN A BREAKUP OCCURS AND THE CHILDREN PAY FOR THE RESENTMENT THEIR PARENTS HAVE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER. IT'S RIDICULOUS. IT ENDS UP BEING A NO WIN SITUATION.
I KNOW OF A FEW MEN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD WHO FEEL SO VICTIMIZED BY WHAT THEIR EX IS PUTTING THEM THROUGH. PLEASE LET ME MAKE ONE THING VERY CLEAR - A MAN PLAYING "VICTIM" IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE AND EMASCULATING QUALITY THAT I PERSONALLY CANNOT STAND! IT'S GROSS. THEY ARE NOT A VICTIM.
YES, THERE ARE SOME NASTY SITUATIONS BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS ACTIONS SO WHY GET SO WORKED UP AND UPSET? THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS TRY TO MAINTAIN AND LIVE RIGHT AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
SO THIS TAKES ME BACK TO THE OVERALL QUESTION OF BEING SUPERFICIAL. NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN RELATIONSHIPS GENERALLY ARE VISUALLY BASED BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL LAST. NOBODY CAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO IN SOME WAY. IT DOESN'T EVEN COME DOWN TO A SEXUAL THING. THERE HAS TO BE A MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE THAT CAN GO FOR THE LONG HAUL. THERE ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP I KNOW OF THAT HAS BEEN EASY. IT IS WORK AND COMMITMENT. LET'S FACE IT - WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE BUT IS IT WORTH A LITTLE LUSTFUL FUN AND RISK RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP/FAMILY? IF YOU ARE A SUPERFICIAL PERSON AND JUST NEED THAT "VARIETY" IN YOUR LIFE THEN YOU ARE POSSIBLY GOING TO CARRY CRABS THAT DIDN'T COME FROM THE BEACH AND YOU WILL LIVE A VERY LONELY LIFE. A LASTING RELATIONSHIP THAT CAN ENDURE ALL OF THE TEMPTATION AROUND US AND COMPLETE YOUR LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS IS WORTH IT - TO ME. IN OUR SOCIETY ANYTHING GOES AND IT'S DAMAGING THE CHANCES OF EVER BEING ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE REALNESS THAT A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO OFFER. IT'S FAIR GAME THOUGH - IT TAKES A HELL OF A MAN AND AN AMAZING WOMAN TO MAKE THIS WORK BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE.
I'M THE POSTER CHILD FOR PATHETIC RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANT AT LEAST ONE MAN TO PROVE MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS WRONG. I DOUBT I WILL EVER GET MARRIED BUT I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE AND CONTENT THAN BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T FULFILL ME. IT ISN'T WORTH IT TO ME TO WORRY ABOUT A GUY WHO YOU KNOW IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER OR THE OPPORTUNIST JUST WAITING FOR AN OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH.
THIS HAS BEEN MY TOTAL BITCHING SESSION BECAUSE THESE ISSUES IRRITATE ME TO NO END AND IF ANY OF YOU MEN ARE READING THIS PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE SOME INPUT. I KNOW THAT MANY OF US WOMEN WOULD JUST LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
WHO REALLY WANTS THE COMPETITION?
I'm trying to drink my coffee but I have rotater cuff tendinitis and had to have a cortisone shot two days ago. I was worried it could have been another blood clot after having to take the hormones that greatly increase the chances with my Factor V Leiden in the lead and after already having a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) ........the worst kind of blood clot you can have because of the threat it has of breaking off and traveling to your lungs causing a Pulmonary Embolism, the very thing that took my Dad's Father from him in transport to another hospital for his leg to be amputated. He didn't make it. With such problems I'm sad to say that this is just another day. I wouldn't feel alive if I didn't feel the pain that plagues me every day of my life in one area or another.
You wonder why anyone would want to be in your shoes. Sure, your life is good in so many ways but the secrets you hide from the world that only you know are like these demons that you can't shake. Everyone wonders why you "choose" to live such an existence. Choose. Such an interesting word to use.
When you have every single element of your life going on in a circular motion in your brain that does not allow you to rest, relax, or have any piece of mind then you wonder what is wrong with yourself. I know what is wrong with me but only after years of battling a debilitating problem that I mastered masking. Why would I ever choose this life for myself, for my son?? YOU DON'T CHOOSE IT. That is the point of it all.
Your brain tricks you into not listening to your instincts and rejects reasonable thought. You know better but you want to believe otherwise. In the process you get hurt over and over and not in one way but in a million. The results vary by person, by relationship. I thought it was always just something I wasn't doing right but deep down I knew I was dealing with something that was so much bigger than me. There were no names for what I was going through, no labels and certainly no doctors involved.
Beyond living the American dream that turned into a nightmare in my early teens took a turn to hell when I lost my Grandfather. I think that set the tone for the rest of what was to come in my life and the choices I would make. When he died I felt like a part of me died with him. It effected my family in a major way.
I don't feel sorry for myself and I refuse to feel victimized. My Grandmother and my Mom taught me better than that. The term "Lead by example" is one that both of these women have lived up to even more than necessary. It's ironic how you have this picture of what you hope to see your life turn out to be and it ends up completely off the path you started on. One thing I knew when I was quite young is that I would die at a very young age. My Grandfather's suicide glorified a strength that was not organic. It was false. Wrong. I understand why he did what he felt he had to do but I didn't and don't. After dealing with his tragic and violent death I lost several others by the same method. It's not a good feeling being on the receiving end of all that. I was given the saving grace of my life that I'm not even certain I deserved but obviously someone else disagreed. For that I owe my life in a different way - to make the most of each and every situation.
When you live in chronic pain, health problems that almost seem made up because of the embarrassment of there being so many of them, and the disruption I can't turn off. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I have had friends in my life who want to compete with me. ME. The person sick all the time. The person who has to lie because of the shame of what my life really is. The person who can never make a solid plan and has to even cancel the much needed doctor appointments because my body will not cooperate with what I need from it. Who wants to compete with that? Seriously? Unless you know this life you can never understand the toll it takes on you physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and how it rules your life as little as you can afford it to. There are times I have no choice but to surrender. When you weigh the odds and think that you should push yourself knowing what normally happens it isn't worth it in the end of that particular situation or circumstance. I have learned that lesson in a very difficult way. When you have another life depending on you and watching your every move you must tread lightly and really think....and I mean really think. It's no joke and you can't let on how bad it really is so it manifests itself until you are about to explode. Then you finally do. Or in my case the actual term is called "hypomania
Having a problem or illness is nothing to compete with. For me it's like a hot potato that I can't drop. Nobody should want to compete with such serious and dreaded things. It's a slap in the face when someone, more importantly a friend, is trying to "one up" you on the part of your life which you can only control by means of medication and maybe yoga & meditation. Needless to say I don't keep anyone around me who wants to have suffered from diseases, domestic violence, health problems with your children and even as much as financial problems.
It must be time to go - Lilly Allen is in my ear buds right now and "Fuck you very much" just came on.....Wish you all well and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
You wonder why anyone would want to be in your shoes. Sure, your life is good in so many ways but the secrets you hide from the world that only you know are like these demons that you can't shake. Everyone wonders why you "choose" to live such an existence. Choose. Such an interesting word to use.
When you have every single element of your life going on in a circular motion in your brain that does not allow you to rest, relax, or have any piece of mind then you wonder what is wrong with yourself. I know what is wrong with me but only after years of battling a debilitating problem that I mastered masking. Why would I ever choose this life for myself, for my son?? YOU DON'T CHOOSE IT. That is the point of it all.
Your brain tricks you into not listening to your instincts and rejects reasonable thought. You know better but you want to believe otherwise. In the process you get hurt over and over and not in one way but in a million. The results vary by person, by relationship. I thought it was always just something I wasn't doing right but deep down I knew I was dealing with something that was so much bigger than me. There were no names for what I was going through, no labels and certainly no doctors involved.
Beyond living the American dream that turned into a nightmare in my early teens took a turn to hell when I lost my Grandfather. I think that set the tone for the rest of what was to come in my life and the choices I would make. When he died I felt like a part of me died with him. It effected my family in a major way.
I don't feel sorry for myself and I refuse to feel victimized. My Grandmother and my Mom taught me better than that. The term "Lead by example" is one that both of these women have lived up to even more than necessary. It's ironic how you have this picture of what you hope to see your life turn out to be and it ends up completely off the path you started on. One thing I knew when I was quite young is that I would die at a very young age. My Grandfather's suicide glorified a strength that was not organic. It was false. Wrong. I understand why he did what he felt he had to do but I didn't and don't. After dealing with his tragic and violent death I lost several others by the same method. It's not a good feeling being on the receiving end of all that. I was given the saving grace of my life that I'm not even certain I deserved but obviously someone else disagreed. For that I owe my life in a different way - to make the most of each and every situation.
When you live in chronic pain, health problems that almost seem made up because of the embarrassment of there being so many of them, and the disruption I can't turn off. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I have had friends in my life who want to compete with me. ME. The person sick all the time. The person who has to lie because of the shame of what my life really is. The person who can never make a solid plan and has to even cancel the much needed doctor appointments because my body will not cooperate with what I need from it. Who wants to compete with that? Seriously? Unless you know this life you can never understand the toll it takes on you physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and how it rules your life as little as you can afford it to. There are times I have no choice but to surrender. When you weigh the odds and think that you should push yourself knowing what normally happens it isn't worth it in the end of that particular situation or circumstance. I have learned that lesson in a very difficult way. When you have another life depending on you and watching your every move you must tread lightly and really think....and I mean really think. It's no joke and you can't let on how bad it really is so it manifests itself until you are about to explode. Then you finally do. Or in my case the actual term is called "hypomania
Having a problem or illness is nothing to compete with. For me it's like a hot potato that I can't drop. Nobody should want to compete with such serious and dreaded things. It's a slap in the face when someone, more importantly a friend, is trying to "one up" you on the part of your life which you can only control by means of medication and maybe yoga & meditation. Needless to say I don't keep anyone around me who wants to have suffered from diseases, domestic violence, health problems with your children and even as much as financial problems.
It must be time to go - Lilly Allen is in my ear buds right now and "Fuck you very much" just came on.....Wish you all well and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Monday, July 25, 2011
IMPULSE CONTROL
Impulse control is not a want or desire - it is absolutely necessary. This can also play a part in addiction and addictive personalities. I'm sure if we all sat down with a pen and paper and wrote down our many things we wish to "curb" or rid ourselves of we would have quite a few things.
I haven't exactly sat down and written all of this out but I do know I have many problems in this area. If you read my writings you know that I use my own life and personal experiences to talk about and share. Nothing too private but if I don't write on actual knowledge than I'm basically guessing and that isn't who I am.
For all of my life I have tended to always go the opposite direction as everyone else. I have chosen friendships where I gave all of my trust and insecurities away only to be hurt or betrayed in the end. It's been worse in my love life. I'm a relationship person - meaning I don't like to date really. Generally I can tell right away if I want to really be involved with a person or not and the funny thing is that unless it comes down to a personal dilemma I will try and make it work with a person I have lost complete interest in....simply for the sake of determination and also for the fact that I made a commitment. The people close to me all know that I don't make promises because I don't want to let anyone down and my world is one constant changing cycle. There never are two days the same.
Now I have to swallow my pride and admit something that I have been really been trying to look at objectively in myself. The relationships I choose with men seem to be unhealthy. I have a strong belief that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are good people who make really bad decisions and then there are just the people who are wired wrong. I don't know how else to phrase that. I'm sure if you think about it you know many of both types. My problem is that I want to believe that people are good and that maybe I can be the one to help them out of a life they are punishing themselves living. This whole thing comes from my past and the people I used to surround with. There are so many Beatle song references I could use right now as I'm thinking....
I wouldn't say I feel sorry for people and get myself involved, because I prefer to live a fairly simplistic life and work at keeping my chaotic life calm - BUT - I want so much for people to succeed and if there is anything I can do I want to try. I'm in no position to be a "fixer" and at times I find myself in the very role. My relationships are a disaster and I have finally come to terms with the fact that after being engaged four times I am just a hopeless, or rather, hopeful romantic.
These impulses of mine can be harmful and unhealthy in so many ways. Generally I end up feeling really bad because I have been of no use to that person or I feel that by being too giving it is looked at as being too pushy which really isn't the case. When you feel so deeply and so strong in your convictions your life takes on a whole new meaning. These are definitely the impulses I need to control and I need to learn to take my own advise when I talk with my friends about these very issues.
Impulse can be very harmless or it can change your life forever in ways you wished it hadn't. At the end of it all you have to find your boundaries and what you need for your own life to make certain your life is level and you have a true balance to it.
And yes, I do jump around when I write but I put down the very thoughts that are entering my mind at the present time. When I write about such personal things I always have a revelation about something and have that "oh ok" moment. The moment when something finally makes sense.
Your impulses are all about structure and discipline. Sounds fairly simple but actually quite challenging. As I become more aware of the person I am there are parts I like better and other parts I don't like so much. I'm a work in progress but I will get there.
Best of luck to all of you and if you struggle too much and your life is being so negatively effected then it is time to get medicated! Trust me on that one....
I haven't exactly sat down and written all of this out but I do know I have many problems in this area. If you read my writings you know that I use my own life and personal experiences to talk about and share. Nothing too private but if I don't write on actual knowledge than I'm basically guessing and that isn't who I am.
For all of my life I have tended to always go the opposite direction as everyone else. I have chosen friendships where I gave all of my trust and insecurities away only to be hurt or betrayed in the end. It's been worse in my love life. I'm a relationship person - meaning I don't like to date really. Generally I can tell right away if I want to really be involved with a person or not and the funny thing is that unless it comes down to a personal dilemma I will try and make it work with a person I have lost complete interest in....simply for the sake of determination and also for the fact that I made a commitment. The people close to me all know that I don't make promises because I don't want to let anyone down and my world is one constant changing cycle. There never are two days the same.
Now I have to swallow my pride and admit something that I have been really been trying to look at objectively in myself. The relationships I choose with men seem to be unhealthy. I have a strong belief that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are good people who make really bad decisions and then there are just the people who are wired wrong. I don't know how else to phrase that. I'm sure if you think about it you know many of both types. My problem is that I want to believe that people are good and that maybe I can be the one to help them out of a life they are punishing themselves living. This whole thing comes from my past and the people I used to surround with. There are so many Beatle song references I could use right now as I'm thinking....
I wouldn't say I feel sorry for people and get myself involved, because I prefer to live a fairly simplistic life and work at keeping my chaotic life calm - BUT - I want so much for people to succeed and if there is anything I can do I want to try. I'm in no position to be a "fixer" and at times I find myself in the very role. My relationships are a disaster and I have finally come to terms with the fact that after being engaged four times I am just a hopeless, or rather, hopeful romantic.
These impulses of mine can be harmful and unhealthy in so many ways. Generally I end up feeling really bad because I have been of no use to that person or I feel that by being too giving it is looked at as being too pushy which really isn't the case. When you feel so deeply and so strong in your convictions your life takes on a whole new meaning. These are definitely the impulses I need to control and I need to learn to take my own advise when I talk with my friends about these very issues.
Impulse can be very harmless or it can change your life forever in ways you wished it hadn't. At the end of it all you have to find your boundaries and what you need for your own life to make certain your life is level and you have a true balance to it.
And yes, I do jump around when I write but I put down the very thoughts that are entering my mind at the present time. When I write about such personal things I always have a revelation about something and have that "oh ok" moment. The moment when something finally makes sense.
Your impulses are all about structure and discipline. Sounds fairly simple but actually quite challenging. As I become more aware of the person I am there are parts I like better and other parts I don't like so much. I'm a work in progress but I will get there.
Best of luck to all of you and if you struggle too much and your life is being so negatively effected then it is time to get medicated! Trust me on that one....
Friday, July 22, 2011
Pas d'anttenes....No expectations
No expectations....how difficult is that? There are so many scenarios for this but the one that comes quickest to mind is one that I have often become so familiar with.
First of all everyone should have some expectations of how they would like their life to be and we are all entitled to the life we work for. However - this can get tricky. While we should hold people to high moral standard we also should not go into any situation with any particular expectation in mind or we may end up sadly disappointed.
This rule can apply to every aspect of life. Relationships, work, family, and so much more. We can expect that they won't put syrup in my coffee drink but it may somehow end up in it. So you take it back and tell them you would like a new drink. Almost always they will be happy to accommodate you. But what happens when something in life goes terribly wrong after certain expectations have done nothing but let you down over and over? This is something I wonder about a lot.
Are my expectations too low? Possibly. The bottom line is this - another of the many rules I live by: Plan for the worst and hope for the best. It's hard to switch your feeling when you are dead set on it but sometimes you just need to for your own sanity. Many people would say I am pessimistic and I am - BUT - it is a very realistic point of view in my opinion.
If you are a person who just goes with the flow then I truly envy you. That's a great quality to have. We have to live and learn from our own mistakes and we cannot make any situation happen just because we want it so much. So - I think I will try and apply the "No expectations" to my life and just maybe I won't seem so negative.....but probably not (You see what I mean?)
First of all everyone should have some expectations of how they would like their life to be and we are all entitled to the life we work for. However - this can get tricky. While we should hold people to high moral standard we also should not go into any situation with any particular expectation in mind or we may end up sadly disappointed.
This rule can apply to every aspect of life. Relationships, work, family, and so much more. We can expect that they won't put syrup in my coffee drink but it may somehow end up in it. So you take it back and tell them you would like a new drink. Almost always they will be happy to accommodate you. But what happens when something in life goes terribly wrong after certain expectations have done nothing but let you down over and over? This is something I wonder about a lot.
Are my expectations too low? Possibly. The bottom line is this - another of the many rules I live by: Plan for the worst and hope for the best. It's hard to switch your feeling when you are dead set on it but sometimes you just need to for your own sanity. Many people would say I am pessimistic and I am - BUT - it is a very realistic point of view in my opinion.
If you are a person who just goes with the flow then I truly envy you. That's a great quality to have. We have to live and learn from our own mistakes and we cannot make any situation happen just because we want it so much. So - I think I will try and apply the "No expectations" to my life and just maybe I won't seem so negative.....but probably not (You see what I mean?)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO LET IT GO
It seems like lately this is one of the strongest phrases that I am trying to pound into my brain. I am a person who needs resolution in any situation I am in. It's not a matter of being right or having the final word. For me resolution is a respectful way to sort of end a chapter in order to finish a situation. It's something that so many people don't know or even care to do. Well, I am not one of those people.
I've been in situations where it was near impossible to stand the sight of a certain person for whatever the reason but when it's time to finish business there needs to be a way that you are willing to somehow meet in the middle to give it a final farewell. In my past I had a relationship where his voice was like nails on a chalkboard - the whining voice on the other end of the phone or the random notes when he just "happened to be in the area" and I would be so mad. To make this more clear this person disrespected my child and honestly didn't deserve any closure from me whatsoever but I knew it was the right thing to do. As much as I detested him, and still do, I felt that ending that chapter was what needed to happen. I have to say I was brutally honest, maybe even mean. What was the point of beating around the bush? I tried to be thoughtful in how I said things but it was extremely difficult when I thought back to things he had said and done. It was a quick sort of meeting and it ended on a neutral note. To be even more clear I would never have anything to do with this person again as long as he is in existence.
I have the ability to tolerate most people but I am incredibly selective about the company I keep. My extraordinarily small circle of friends are of value and substance in my life - the people who are there when I need them, the addition to family (if they aren't already), but most importantly it's about quality rather than quantity. I'm learning how to let go of some things but what most people don't realize that it isn't anything you want from them. The things I need from someone when things need to just be finalized can be something as simple as an acknowledgement of something really wrong or hurtful that they did. When your feelings are not validated it makes it hard to move past that person or situation. I've realized that it really isn't about the person or situation but more about the principle of what it is about. In my opinion this is important for the other party to recognize - especially when it is an obvious pain or deep wound you have from their actions or even those of your own.
Owning your own mistakes and accepting those of others is challenging. I don't want to hurt anyone on purpose and I never understand how so much hurt can be caused and then completely ignored. Maybe I don't want to understand. I don't know but this is a topic that is very close to my heart right now and I don't know when exactly it will go away. Sometimes we do just need to recognize that your feelings won't be validated and the poor actions of the other will never be acknowledged. I don't know why but I think if a person can be so cold and simply ignore it all and just go about life there comes a point where we just need to move on from it and I'm trying. You never stop learning - it is a life lesson and one I am taking one step at a time. Will I ever find the closure I am in such desperation to have or will it just always sit at the back of my mind? I won't know until I have reached a decision one way or the other but I can say that with the support of the people I'm able to be vulnerable with and confide in makes all the difference in how I get through it all. I need to let go but I haven't quite figured out how. A work in progress.....
I've been in situations where it was near impossible to stand the sight of a certain person for whatever the reason but when it's time to finish business there needs to be a way that you are willing to somehow meet in the middle to give it a final farewell. In my past I had a relationship where his voice was like nails on a chalkboard - the whining voice on the other end of the phone or the random notes when he just "happened to be in the area" and I would be so mad. To make this more clear this person disrespected my child and honestly didn't deserve any closure from me whatsoever but I knew it was the right thing to do. As much as I detested him, and still do, I felt that ending that chapter was what needed to happen. I have to say I was brutally honest, maybe even mean. What was the point of beating around the bush? I tried to be thoughtful in how I said things but it was extremely difficult when I thought back to things he had said and done. It was a quick sort of meeting and it ended on a neutral note. To be even more clear I would never have anything to do with this person again as long as he is in existence.
I have the ability to tolerate most people but I am incredibly selective about the company I keep. My extraordinarily small circle of friends are of value and substance in my life - the people who are there when I need them, the addition to family (if they aren't already), but most importantly it's about quality rather than quantity. I'm learning how to let go of some things but what most people don't realize that it isn't anything you want from them. The things I need from someone when things need to just be finalized can be something as simple as an acknowledgement of something really wrong or hurtful that they did. When your feelings are not validated it makes it hard to move past that person or situation. I've realized that it really isn't about the person or situation but more about the principle of what it is about. In my opinion this is important for the other party to recognize - especially when it is an obvious pain or deep wound you have from their actions or even those of your own.
Owning your own mistakes and accepting those of others is challenging. I don't want to hurt anyone on purpose and I never understand how so much hurt can be caused and then completely ignored. Maybe I don't want to understand. I don't know but this is a topic that is very close to my heart right now and I don't know when exactly it will go away. Sometimes we do just need to recognize that your feelings won't be validated and the poor actions of the other will never be acknowledged. I don't know why but I think if a person can be so cold and simply ignore it all and just go about life there comes a point where we just need to move on from it and I'm trying. You never stop learning - it is a life lesson and one I am taking one step at a time. Will I ever find the closure I am in such desperation to have or will it just always sit at the back of my mind? I won't know until I have reached a decision one way or the other but I can say that with the support of the people I'm able to be vulnerable with and confide in makes all the difference in how I get through it all. I need to let go but I haven't quite figured out how. A work in progress.....
Sunday, July 17, 2011
HOW DO YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF?
How do you look at yourself? Seems like something you would have a very simple answer to but is that realistic? We all have an idea of who we really are but how we view ourselves can be complex.
I will be the first in saying that I can let most things roll off my back but let's face it, we look at ourselves as though we are others looking at us. Our view or opinions of ourselves are based so much on how we desire to be looked at in a particular way. You want to be a friend to everyone - which is absolutely impossible. That isn't even a pessimistic way to look at it....it is a realistic thing. If you think you can please everyone all the time you will end up not pleasing the one person that should matter most - YOU.
When I look at myself I don't see this young skinny minnie girl with perfect skin and great style. I see myself as a person who could always use a little work in every department of my life. Being me can be a complex job. Just ask my Mom! It's funny as you get older how much things change. Yes - you do have a certain amount of the same ideals as far as finding a nice partner, someone kind, nice looking, has a car & a home. Those are pretty typical things.
I've said it before but growing up I wasn't a person who had much self worth and I felt anything bad that happened I must have deserved. That isn't true at all. Do I believe in Karma? Absolutely. One day we all have to meet our maker and the expectations I have in myself have changed for the better. I do value who I am. Have I allowed people to take me for granted? Yes I have. But- this wasn't due to a lack of my own self worth. I don't look at myself as being someone who looks down at anyone. I'm more than entitled to have an opinion, especially when it somehow ties into my life. It's hard not to judge people for whatever reason. For me it's not because I am so above them. It's like the saying goes "opinions are like assholes and everyone has one" - terrible expression but too true!
My learning everything the hard way is not something I enjoy. In fact I wish I wasn't one of those people. I don't want to be a person who takes another persons word as "THE WORD" so I would rather find out on my own. Whether I learn the hard way or not I need to find these things out personally rather than by the experience of someone else. This also goes in part with finding your truth. It's fair to make a judgement call based on your personal experience but why is it people seem to never learn? My Mom gave me a really valuable piece of advise. After beating myself up so badly over poor choices and mistakes I had made she told me that it is human to make mistakes but learning from them and not repeating them is key. I believe that is true and she has taught me many words to live by.
How do you look at who you are? If you are trying to live your life through the eyes of someone else you will never live and really experience life. We have to live the good and the bad to become the people we are meant to be. These are life lessons. No college can teach you what you need to learn or prepare you for the hurts you may experience in the future so why should anyone dictate your life other than you? It doesn't work to constantly second guess yourself. At the age I am I always think "oh I know this answer" but I really don't. No two situations are ever the same so how can one situation have the same outcome every time.
Maybe I'm completely off the trail of what I'm trying to say here but this wouldn't be the first time. I have already said I think way too much and sometimes one thought leads into a hundred more. This question is very important to know the answer to. This answer is one that navigates the way you live, how you think, and the way you form relationships. Looking at yourself isn't even a time factor. You can be a child or an adult and you always have a right to this question.
It all comes down to how we value our own thoughts and feelings, not those of someone you want to like or respect you. This leads me to one final thought and if you know where it came from then you will know a little more about me. This is one of a couple quotes (outside of my Mom) that I truly live by and this is my final end to this message:
"IT'S BETTER TO BE HATED FOR WHAT YOU ARE, THAN TO BE LOVED FOR WHAT YOU ARE NOT" .......
I will be the first in saying that I can let most things roll off my back but let's face it, we look at ourselves as though we are others looking at us. Our view or opinions of ourselves are based so much on how we desire to be looked at in a particular way. You want to be a friend to everyone - which is absolutely impossible. That isn't even a pessimistic way to look at it....it is a realistic thing. If you think you can please everyone all the time you will end up not pleasing the one person that should matter most - YOU.
When I look at myself I don't see this young skinny minnie girl with perfect skin and great style. I see myself as a person who could always use a little work in every department of my life. Being me can be a complex job. Just ask my Mom! It's funny as you get older how much things change. Yes - you do have a certain amount of the same ideals as far as finding a nice partner, someone kind, nice looking, has a car & a home. Those are pretty typical things.
I've said it before but growing up I wasn't a person who had much self worth and I felt anything bad that happened I must have deserved. That isn't true at all. Do I believe in Karma? Absolutely. One day we all have to meet our maker and the expectations I have in myself have changed for the better. I do value who I am. Have I allowed people to take me for granted? Yes I have. But- this wasn't due to a lack of my own self worth. I don't look at myself as being someone who looks down at anyone. I'm more than entitled to have an opinion, especially when it somehow ties into my life. It's hard not to judge people for whatever reason. For me it's not because I am so above them. It's like the saying goes "opinions are like assholes and everyone has one" - terrible expression but too true!
My learning everything the hard way is not something I enjoy. In fact I wish I wasn't one of those people. I don't want to be a person who takes another persons word as "THE WORD" so I would rather find out on my own. Whether I learn the hard way or not I need to find these things out personally rather than by the experience of someone else. This also goes in part with finding your truth. It's fair to make a judgement call based on your personal experience but why is it people seem to never learn? My Mom gave me a really valuable piece of advise. After beating myself up so badly over poor choices and mistakes I had made she told me that it is human to make mistakes but learning from them and not repeating them is key. I believe that is true and she has taught me many words to live by.
How do you look at who you are? If you are trying to live your life through the eyes of someone else you will never live and really experience life. We have to live the good and the bad to become the people we are meant to be. These are life lessons. No college can teach you what you need to learn or prepare you for the hurts you may experience in the future so why should anyone dictate your life other than you? It doesn't work to constantly second guess yourself. At the age I am I always think "oh I know this answer" but I really don't. No two situations are ever the same so how can one situation have the same outcome every time.
Maybe I'm completely off the trail of what I'm trying to say here but this wouldn't be the first time. I have already said I think way too much and sometimes one thought leads into a hundred more. This question is very important to know the answer to. This answer is one that navigates the way you live, how you think, and the way you form relationships. Looking at yourself isn't even a time factor. You can be a child or an adult and you always have a right to this question.
It all comes down to how we value our own thoughts and feelings, not those of someone you want to like or respect you. This leads me to one final thought and if you know where it came from then you will know a little more about me. This is one of a couple quotes (outside of my Mom) that I truly live by and this is my final end to this message:
"IT'S BETTER TO BE HATED FOR WHAT YOU ARE, THAN TO BE LOVED FOR WHAT YOU ARE NOT" .......
Saturday, July 16, 2011
HOW TO DEAL WITH SUCH PEOPLE...
I HAVE SERIOUSLY HAD IT WITH SUCH ABSENT MINDED PEOPLE. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE AT THE VERY LEAST CIVIL? MAYBE THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR SOME PEOPLE TO GRASP - THE SIMPLE ACT OF HUMANITY.
YOU KNOW THE SAYING "TREAT PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED".....WELL IT DOES NOT WORK!!! PEOPLE STILL TREAT YOU AWFUL. HERE IS AN EXPERIENCE I CAN TELL YOU I WILL NEVER FORGET, AND I MEAN NEVER.
IT'S SAD TO TRUST SOMEONE SO MUCH AND YOU ARE STABBED IN THE BACK REPEATEDLY UNTIL THE KNIFE IS JUST THERE. YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN FOR THIS PERSON AND EVERYONE IS TREATED WITH THOUGHT AND KINDNESS BUT YOU....THAT PERSON WHO HAS BEEN THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS. THE PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD THEM WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID. THE PERSON WHO BELIEVED IN THEM, AND TO SOME DEGREE, STILL DOES. YET YOU WONDER HOW IT IS YOU COULD BE SO GIVING TO THEM OF YOUR HEART AND PIECES OF YOUR SOUL, YOUR INNER MOST PRIVACY, AND THEY TREAT YOU LIKE WHAT???? IT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS VERY INSECURE AND THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF MYSELF. I WAS A TOMBOY (STILL AM), AND I WAS LOOKED AT AS MERELY "ONE OF THE GUYS" BECAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDS WERE MALE. I WAS NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ANYTHING ELSE. THEN, MUCH TO MY SURPRISE I END UP HAVING MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE I GREW UP WITH AND WAS A FRIEND FROM WAY BACK WHEN. WE WERE SAVING OURSELVES FOR MARRIAGE AND AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS OF A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM. OF COURSE I SAID YES. THE HAPPINESS WAS GONE SO QUICKLY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD BEEN MESSING AROUND. I QUESTIONED MYSELF AND BLAMED MYSELF. ALL THOSE SAME INSECURITIES CAME BACK AND I WONDERED WHY I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
NEARLY TWO DECADES LATER I END UP BACK IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS SAME PERSON. LET ME TELL YOU - WHEN I SEE A MAN AS A FATHER I SEE THEM SO DIFFERENTLY. I SEE A MAN WHO LOVES AND VALUES HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE WITNESS TO. HERE IS A GUY WHO REALLY GREW UP - YOU THINK. YOU INVEST IN THEM ALL OVER AGAIN ONLY THE STAKES ARE HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE PAST AND BECAUSE THERE ARE NOW CHILDREN INVOLVED. IT FELT SO NATURAL. THERE WAS SUCH A FAMILIARITY AND COMFORT THAT THERE WAS JUST NO WAY IT COULD BE WRONG.
I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE A PRETTY GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER BUT ONE FLAW I DO HAVE IN THAT IS THE FACT THAT I ALMOST REFUSE TO SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. ALL THAT WARMTH I FELT AND TRUST I GAVE MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. IT ENDED UP WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME.
THE LESSON IN THIS IS THAT HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF IS NOT A MYTH. IT'S A FACT AND YOU MAY WANT TO BE SO RIGHT AND STRONG IN YOUR CONVICTION BUT IT ENDS UP ALL THE SAME.
NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT FEELING.....EVEN IF IT HASN'T HIT YOU YET! OTHERWISE YOU WILL END UP IN MY POSITION OF BEING A HUMAN DOORMAT AND IT FEELS PRETTY BAD.
YOU KNOW THE SAYING "TREAT PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED".....WELL IT DOES NOT WORK!!! PEOPLE STILL TREAT YOU AWFUL. HERE IS AN EXPERIENCE I CAN TELL YOU I WILL NEVER FORGET, AND I MEAN NEVER.
IT'S SAD TO TRUST SOMEONE SO MUCH AND YOU ARE STABBED IN THE BACK REPEATEDLY UNTIL THE KNIFE IS JUST THERE. YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN FOR THIS PERSON AND EVERYONE IS TREATED WITH THOUGHT AND KINDNESS BUT YOU....THAT PERSON WHO HAS BEEN THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS. THE PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD THEM WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID. THE PERSON WHO BELIEVED IN THEM, AND TO SOME DEGREE, STILL DOES. YET YOU WONDER HOW IT IS YOU COULD BE SO GIVING TO THEM OF YOUR HEART AND PIECES OF YOUR SOUL, YOUR INNER MOST PRIVACY, AND THEY TREAT YOU LIKE WHAT???? IT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS VERY INSECURE AND THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF MYSELF. I WAS A TOMBOY (STILL AM), AND I WAS LOOKED AT AS MERELY "ONE OF THE GUYS" BECAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDS WERE MALE. I WAS NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ANYTHING ELSE. THEN, MUCH TO MY SURPRISE I END UP HAVING MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE I GREW UP WITH AND WAS A FRIEND FROM WAY BACK WHEN. WE WERE SAVING OURSELVES FOR MARRIAGE AND AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS OF A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM. OF COURSE I SAID YES. THE HAPPINESS WAS GONE SO QUICKLY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD BEEN MESSING AROUND. I QUESTIONED MYSELF AND BLAMED MYSELF. ALL THOSE SAME INSECURITIES CAME BACK AND I WONDERED WHY I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
NEARLY TWO DECADES LATER I END UP BACK IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS SAME PERSON. LET ME TELL YOU - WHEN I SEE A MAN AS A FATHER I SEE THEM SO DIFFERENTLY. I SEE A MAN WHO LOVES AND VALUES HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE WITNESS TO. HERE IS A GUY WHO REALLY GREW UP - YOU THINK. YOU INVEST IN THEM ALL OVER AGAIN ONLY THE STAKES ARE HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE PAST AND BECAUSE THERE ARE NOW CHILDREN INVOLVED. IT FELT SO NATURAL. THERE WAS SUCH A FAMILIARITY AND COMFORT THAT THERE WAS JUST NO WAY IT COULD BE WRONG.
I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE A PRETTY GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER BUT ONE FLAW I DO HAVE IN THAT IS THE FACT THAT I ALMOST REFUSE TO SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES. ALL THAT WARMTH I FELT AND TRUST I GAVE MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. IT ENDED UP WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME.
THE LESSON IN THIS IS THAT HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF IS NOT A MYTH. IT'S A FACT AND YOU MAY WANT TO BE SO RIGHT AND STRONG IN YOUR CONVICTION BUT IT ENDS UP ALL THE SAME.
NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT FEELING.....EVEN IF IT HASN'T HIT YOU YET! OTHERWISE YOU WILL END UP IN MY POSITION OF BEING A HUMAN DOORMAT AND IT FEELS PRETTY BAD.
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