Not only am I an observer in life but I am an also an open wound. I didn't feel good at all today and have had this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Whenever I get in this mode of feeling sort of strange within myself I need a change of scenery. Being broke the majority of the time I have always been very appreciative of going away to a very simple place which is what I ended up doing. Water always brings me to a certain point of zen or serenity so I went to the water.
As much as I didn't want to talk to anyone I was happy to talk fish with some of the local fisherman and they were very familiar with one of my favorite guys, Jeremy Wade. If you have never heard of Jeremy Wade he is the amazing guy on River Monsters, an incredible show well worth watching. Talking with these men made me think a lot of my growing up and my family. My memories are of being on the water with my family - extended family included. We would go out on our boats and fish and eat lunch out on the water and of course my favorite thing was my Mom tying us to the boat at Silver Lake wearing those bright orange life jackets that made it near impossible to move your head to enjoy the lake surroundings. The minute our feet hit anything questionable in the water it was back inside the boat! It brought back memories of my Grandparents and made me think of my Dad and what an important part of the life and relationship it was with him & his Dad.
These feelings were just rushing through me so candid and I began feeling even more sad at how things have changed so much. I wonder how things change so drastically.
You always know that you will grow up some day and that life changes in both good and bad ways but you can never know what you are truly in for. I know I couldn't have written a script as crazy as my life has turned out. It came down to just the realization that people, family, relationships change and that is something I really need to come to terms with. All those friends that you loved and trusted have changed in a way that allows you to easily exit them out of your life yet still leaving you feeling sad.
This brought me to some extremely harsh conclusions that I have been denying for a very long time. My dearest friends from my past have resurfaced over the past several months and it was so familiar and so comfortable - only to find there was this sort of predatory grooming process with them along with their hidden agenda. These are people who know me, know my strengths and prey on my weaknesses. I have allowed them to use me without even knowing it. Maybe I just didn't want to see it. Now that I have taken a step back it's become so clear to me what was actually happening. Did I need them in my life? Was I hoping things would be as they were back when we were in school? I don't really have an answer for those questions.
Life has not been easy and I wouldn't wish my experiences on anybody and it left me in a position that I did not trust anyone. Over a course of the past couple of years I have slowly started to open myself up again, allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting of people I genuinely cared about and loved sincerely. Now I'm feeling that I'm back to where I started - so guarded and that wall that protects me is being rebuilt. It's not just random people or estranged friends but it's with family as well. It's like I'm acting as a security guard of my life and making sure no can enter into my world.
I'm so tired. It's wearing when you feel like you owe everyone an explanation of who you are, where you've been and that long list of your faults because heaven forbid if you don't tell people about you & all you have been through, they will somehow find out a distorted version of YOUR TRUTH and then there is either this strange tension or that uncomfortable knowing that your secrets are being told and you have no control over your own life.
Here is the bottom line for me - I had this incredible feeling of sadness, a sort of nostalgia that I miss and that I know I can never get back. The memories are all I have. On top of that we have to accept the changes that are beyond anything we can control. I believe it is crucial that we learn to be open to some things but that it is not only ok to be cautious but it might save you from a lot of problematic situations and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm afraid that these experiences will start to really effect me and I don't want that to happen after so much hard work of trying to undo so much damage in my life.
What it comes down to is a very simple thing - keep quality people in your life, take care of what is necessary, make changes when they are needed without feeling bad and never feel that you owe anyone an explanation. The people that love you know that already and the ones who don't need to remain out of your circle of trust. Best of luck on your own journey as I venture onto mine....
