YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION

Not only am I an observer in life but I am an  also an open wound.  I didn't feel good at all today and have had this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.  Whenever I get in this mode of feeling sort of strange within myself I need a change of scenery.  Being broke the majority of the time I have always been very appreciative of going away to a very simple place which is what I ended up doing.  Water always brings me to a certain point of zen or serenity so I went to the water.
As much as I didn't want to talk to anyone I was happy to talk fish with some of the local fisherman and they were very familiar with one of my favorite guys, Jeremy Wade.  If you have never heard of Jeremy Wade he is the amazing guy on River Monsters, an incredible show well worth watching.  Talking with these men made me think a lot of my growing up and my family.  My memories are of being on the water with my family - extended family included.  We would go out on our boats and fish and eat lunch out on the water and of course my favorite thing was my Mom tying us to the boat at Silver Lake wearing those bright orange life jackets that made it near impossible to move your head to enjoy the lake surroundings.  The minute our feet hit anything questionable in the water it was back inside the boat!  It brought back memories of my Grandparents and made me think of my Dad and what an important part of the life and relationship it was with him & his Dad.  
These feelings were just rushing through me so candid and I began feeling even more sad at how things have changed so much.  I wonder how things change so drastically.
You always know that you will grow up some day and that life changes in both good and bad ways but you can never know what you are truly in for.  I know I couldn't have written a script as crazy as my life has turned out.  It came down to just the realization that people, family, relationships change and that is something I really need to come to terms with.  All those friends that you loved and trusted have changed in a way that allows you to easily exit them out of your life yet still leaving you feeling sad. 
This brought me to some extremely harsh conclusions that I have been denying for a very long time.  My dearest friends from my past have resurfaced over the past several months and it was so familiar and so comfortable -  only to find there was this sort of predatory grooming process with them along with their hidden agenda.  These are people who know me, know my strengths and prey on my weaknesses.  I have allowed them to use me without even knowing it.  Maybe I just didn't want to see it.  Now that I have taken a step back it's become so clear to me what was actually happening.  Did I need them in my life?  Was I hoping things would be as they were back when we were in school?  I don't really have an answer for those questions. 
Life has not been easy and I wouldn't wish my experiences on anybody and it left me in a position that I did not trust anyone.  Over a course of the past couple of years I have slowly started to open myself up again,  allowing myself to be vulnerable and trusting of people I genuinely cared about and loved sincerely.  Now I'm feeling that I'm back to where I started -  so guarded and that wall that protects me is being rebuilt.  It's not just random people or estranged friends but it's with family as well.  It's like I'm acting as a security guard of my life and making sure no can enter into my world.  
I'm so tired.  It's wearing when you feel like you owe everyone an explanation of who you are, where you've been and that long list of your faults because heaven forbid if you don't tell people about  you & all you have been through, they will somehow find out a distorted version of YOUR TRUTH and then there is either this strange tension or that uncomfortable knowing that your secrets are being told and you have no control over your own life. 
Here is the bottom line for me - I had this incredible feeling of sadness, a sort of nostalgia that I miss and that I know I can never get back.  The memories are all I have.  On top of that we have to accept the changes that are beyond anything we can control.  I believe it is crucial that we learn to be open to some things but that it is not only ok to be cautious but it might save you from a lot of problematic situations and there is nothing wrong with that.  I'm afraid that these experiences will start to really effect me and I don't want that to happen after so much hard work of trying to undo so much damage in my life. 
What it comes down to is a very simple thing - keep quality people in your life, take care of what is necessary, make changes when they are needed without feeling bad and never feel that you owe anyone an explanation.  The people that love you know that already and the ones who don't need to remain out of your circle of trust.  Best of luck on your own journey as I venture onto mine....

Is it really your place to speak?

I RECENTLY HAD A VERY STRANGE ENCOUNTER WITH A FAMILY MEMBER.  YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE SO CAUGHT OFF GUARD AND THEY ARE COMING ACROSS TO YOU AS SO NICE (LIKE BUDDY, BUDDY) AND THEN BOOM!!!!  WELL I JUST HAD THIS HAPPEN AND I'M STILL IN SHOCK ABOUT IT.
WHEN YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE I THINK EACH ONE IS UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT.  I'M NOT SAYING IF YOU ARE IN MY LIFE YOU SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED BUT IN A WAY I DO FEEL THAT.  I TAKE MY RELATIONSHIPS VERY SERIOUSLY AND INVEST IN THEM CAREFULLY.  THERE IS ONE PARTICULAR PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO ALWAYS HAS LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, ACCEPTS ME FOR EXACTLY THE WEIRDO THAT I AM AND SHE IS MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND OR RELATIVE....TO ME SHE IS MY SISTER.  I TALK ABOUT HER A LOT AND THE REASON BEING IS THAT SHE AND I ARE ONLY ONE MONTH APART AND THERE IS NOTHING WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER AND NOTHING WE WON'T KEEP FROM EACH OTHER.  I KNOW IF SHE CAME TO ME OUT OF CONCERN OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON IT WOULD BE WITH NOTHING BUT GOOD INTENTION.  I LISTEN TO WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME AND NEVER TAKE OFFENSE.  SHE KNOWS MY LIFE, ALL THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND THE SAME GOES WITH HER.  BUT WHEN YOU HAVE A PERSON WHO COMPLETELY DISTANCES THEMSELVES AND SUDDENLY MAKES YOUR LIFE THEIR BUSINESS THAT THEY HAVE NO PART OF - YEA, YOU DO TAKE GREAT OFFENSE TO THE WORDS THEY ARE SAYING BECAUSE IN YOUR MIND YOU KNOW IT IS WITHOUT YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.
THIS PARTICULAR THING HAD TO DO WITH THE MOST DEAR THING TO ME IN MY LIFE, MY CHILD.  ANYONE WHO IS A PARENT CAN RELATE TO THIS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.  WHEN THINGS ARE BROUGHT TO YOUR ATTENTION WITHOUT FACT AND FOR THE MESSENGERS OWN AGENDA IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.  THIS WAS AN EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL THING TO GO THROUGH AND NATURALLY I WAS VERY DISTURBED BY THE CONVERSATION.  THIS IS NOT A PERSON YOU CAN SORT OF TALK WITH - THIS IS A PERSON THAT TALKS AT YOU WITH ACCUSATION AND CONTEMPT.  A PERSON WHO TALKS WITHOUT FACT AND THINKS THEY KNOW THINGS THAT ARE VERY VIOLATING AND SAID WITH A SHARP TONGUE YET SUCH A BUBBLY TONE OF VOICE.  IT LITERALLY MADE ME SICK AND NATURALLY IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL. 
WHO DOES THIS PERSON THINK THEY ARE TO INTRUDE INTO MY LIFE WITHOUT FACT, TRUE KNOWLEDGE AND WITH THOUGHT OF GOOD INTENTION? 
YOU HAVE TO PAY CAREFUL ATTENTION TO THESE DO-GOODERS IN SOCIETY AND GROSSLY ENOUGH WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY!  THERE IS NO SINCERITY OTHER THAN TO GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY DO NOT BELONG NOR ARE THEY INVITED.  IF I WANTED THIS ADVISE OR OPINION I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR IT.
IRONICALLY - IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT "MY BIRTHDAY" NEEDED TO BE ON A DIFFERENT DAY BECAUSE THIS PERSON WOULD BE GONE FOR A SPA DAY....OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.  REALLY?  WHO SAID I WAS CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY AND WHO SAID THIS PERSON WAS TO BE EVEN ONE FOOT NEAR ME ON THAT DAY?  NOBODY!  THAT'S WHO.
SO TO WRAP UP MY COMPLAINING SESSION UP I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING THAT IS VERY TRUE.  FIRST OF ALL BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LET IN TO YOUR LIFE AND BLOCK THE ONES WHO DON'T NEED TO BE IN IT.  AND SECOND - OPINIONS REALLY ARE LIKE ASSHOLES BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ONE.....WARRANTED OR NOT! 
I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE....ACCEPT MAYBE THE ONE WHO IS NOTORIOUS IN DOING THIS.

I'M STILL IN SHOCK OF THE IGNORANCE

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, EVEN AN INSECURE MAN, THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY APPRECIATE THIS BUT YOU CAN RELATE TO IT.  I WAS WITH MY SISTER AND MY LITTLE CHAP AT A STORE (THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS) AND IN MY NEAR 39 YEAR I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS SCENARIO......I COULDN'T HAVE EVEN MADE IT UP.
AT THE AGE I AM IN MY LIFE I AM TRYING TO GET USED TO SOME PHYSICAL CHANGES - ONE OF THEM BEING WEIGHT IN MY MID SECTION OF MY BODY.  I AM A REALIST AND I HAVE LEARNED AT A VERY YOUNG AGE I WAS NOT BUILT TO BE THIS TINY PETITE WOMAN.  MY SISTER AND I BOTH DEAL WITH "THE CUP RUNNETH" OVER WITH OUR BRA SITUATION SO THAT IS ANOTHER THING.
AFTER MUCH THINKING AND FEELING SO FRUMPY I WANTED TO BUY A SIMPLE DRESS.  YOU KNOW THOSE LONG AND FLOWY DRESSES THAT LOOK EFFORTLESS WITH CUTE JEWELRY AND FLIP FLOPS?  WELL I FOUND A BEAUTIFUL PRINT DRESS THAT WAS A REASONABLE PRICE.  AS WE WERE GOING ALONG AND WENT INTO LINGERIE I FOUND A SORT OF SLIMMING TANK THAT WAS A SMALL.  IT WAS A REALLY NICE QUALITY ONE AND WAS ON CLEARANCE FOR A VERY INEXPENSIVE PRICE AND ALSO MATCHED THE DRESS.  TOTAL BONUS!  WE BOTH LOOKED AT THIS TANK AND THOUGH IT WAS A SMALL IT WAS A GREAT MATERIAL AND WOULD FIT (TIGHT) WHICH WAS THE POINT. 
AS I MADE MY WAY TO THE REGISTER TO PAY WE KEPT LOOKING AT THIS DRESS AND WERE IN AWE OF SUCH A LOVELY PRINT.  THE LINES WERE LONG AS USUAL BUT WE GOT IN RIGHT AFTER ONE PERSON AND A LONG LINE QUICKLY FORMED BEHIND US.  THIS IS WHERE IT ALL GOES DOWNHILL.....
I GET UP TO PAY AND MY SISTER AND I ARE JUST SORT OF CHATTING AND THE YOUNG GIRL WHO WAS RINGING UP MY ORDER LOOKS AT ME A LONG STARE WHILE HOLDING UP THE SLIMMING TANK AND SAYS "YOU DO KNOW THIS IS A SMALL".......
THIS CAUGHT ME SO OFF GUARD THAT I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE WORDS.  FIRST OF ALL - WHO DOES THAT!  I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYONE READ THE SIZES AND SIZE ME UP AND MAKE COMMENTS WHILE I AM JUST SIMPLY PAYING FOR MY GARMENT.  IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN FOR ME.  IF I WAS MORBIDLY OBESE IT IS MY RIGHT TO PURCHASE ANYTHING I FEEL WITHOUT ANY COMMENT FROM ANYONE.  MY FAMILY OWNED A CLOTHING STORE AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF BUSINESS QUICKLY WITH THIS ATTITUDE.  I'M STILL IN SHOCK. 
WE LEFT THE STORE AND JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LIKE "DID THAT JUST HAPPEN"......
IT WAS SO STRANGE AND BEYOND THE HUMILIATION AND INSECURITY I BECAME SO ANGRY AND I KNEW THAT GOING BACK INTO THE STORE WAS A VERY BAD IDEA.  WE ARRIVED BACK TO MY SISTERS AND I CALLED THE STORE MANAGER WHO APOLOGIZED AND ASSURED ME THIS MATTER WOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF.  THIS JUST DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME AND THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT I COULDN'T LET IT GO. 
TRYING TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO THIS CORPORATION IS NOT AN EASY TASK BUT I DIDN'T GIVE UP - BY THE THIRD TRY IT FINALLY WENT THROUGH.  ALONG WITH MY COMPLAINT TO THE STORE MANAGER, THE EMAIL TO THE CORPORATION - I SWALLOWED MY PRIDE AND RETURNED MY ENTIRE PURCHASE AND GUESS WHO WAS STILL WORKING AT THE SAME REGISTER?????????????????  I WAS SO MAD!  SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT TALKED TO IN A WAY THAT EFFECTED HER JOB AND HOW COULD THIS MISTAKE BE CORRECTED?  THIS PART OF THE SCENARIO IS WHAT I AM NOW WAITING ON.  HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO INSENSITIVE AND SO IGNORANT?  IT JUST ASTOUNDS ME AND QUITE FRANKLY I DOUBT I WILL BE VISITING THIS STORE AGAIN......
BUYERS BEWARE!!!!

HAVE YOU MADE THOSE STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK AND THINK OF HOW I IMAGINED MY LIFE TURNING OUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING LIKE THIS.  JUST BECAUSE MY LIFE DIDN'T TURN OUT ANY PARTICULAR WAY DOESN'T MEAN IT IS A BAD THING OR THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED.  ON THE CONTRARY.
WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG THERE IS MORE FREEDOM IN BEING SPONTANEOUS AND YOU HAVE LESS RESPONSIBILITY - THOUGH NOT EVERYONE LIVES THE SAME LIFE AS ANOTHER.  FOR ME I HAVE LIVED MORE LIFE WITH LESS POSITIVES.  IMAGINE THAT.  I EXCEEDED EXPECTATIONS THAT I HAD FOR MYSELF AND MADE THE MOST OF WHAT I HAD TO WORK WITH AND WHAT I FOUND WAS WITHIN THAT I WAS FORCED TO PUSH HARDER AT LIVING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANTED IT TO GO. 
OF COURSE I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF UPS AND DOWNS AND THE MILLIONS OF HURTS AND LET DOWNS AS EVERYONE DOES.  I NEVER DREAMED I WOULD EVER HAVE A CHILD AND I AM THE PROUDEST PARENT.....I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD ACTUALLY GO ON TO SCHOOL OR TRADE BUT DID BOTH.  YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT LIFE HAS IN STORE.  IF YOU DON'T REALLY LIVE UP TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND JUST STAY SETTLED IN THE EASY CHAIR YOU HAVE BECOME SO COMFORTABLE IN THEN YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. 
THERE IS ONE THING THAT WEIGHS ON ME A LOT.  I THOUGHT THAT MY FRIENDS FROM MY PAST WOULD ALWAYS BE MY FRIENDS, LIKE MY OTHER FAMILY THAT REALLY UNDERSTOOD ME.  COME TO FIND THAT EVERYONE WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS AND NOT SO GOOD IN MY OPINION.  DRUGS PLAYED A HUGE PART IN ALL OF IT AND IT'S BEEN A REALLY SAD REUNION WITH MANY OF THEM.  BECAUSE OF THIS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEE THE REALITY THAT SITS IN FRONT OF ME.  THESE ARE PEOPLE I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR BUT HAVE SUDDENLY TURNED INTO VICTIMS.  I DO REALIZE THAT DRUG ADDICTION IS A DISEASE - OFTEN TIMES MANY THINGS COME INTO PLAY.  THERE IS THE HEREDITARY FACTOR, THE CIRCUMSTANCES WE ARE FACED TO DEAL WITH IN LIFE, MENTAL ILLNESS AND SO MUCH MORE. 
WHAT I FIND COMPLETELY APPALLING IS THAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN LIFE SUFFER FROM MANY HORRIFIC SITUATIONS AND CIRCUMSTANCES.  THEN YOU THROW IN JOB LOSS, RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, LOSING PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES FOR VARIOUS REASONS, TRAUMA, ETC.  I CAN'T SPEAK ON THIS FOR EVERYONE BUT IN MY FAMILY WE DO HAVE A LOT OF SUBSTANCE ADDICTION AND MENTAL ILLNESS BUT IT'S NOT MY CRUTCH AND I REFUSE TO PLAY VICTIM TO IT.  I THINK IF YOU ARE TRULY IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED HELP THEN ASK FOR IT.  DON'T EXPECT TO GO AROUND ON A PITTY TRIP AND ABUSE OTHERS TO GET OVER ON THEM BECAUSE THAT DAMAGES ANY HOPE OF THAT FRIENDSHIP HOLDING ANY MEANING - EVEN IF IT WAS SO GREAT IN THE PAST. 
I AM ALSO SICK OF THESE PEOPLE THAT I KNOW WHO GOT HEAVY INTO DRUGS, GOT INTO WEIRD SEXUAL THINGS (WHO ALSO BROUGHT CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD WITH NO BUSINESS RAISING THEM) AND NOW THAT THE FUN IS OVER LIFE IS SO SERIOUS FOR THEM AND THEY ARE SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS.  MY RESPECT COMES OUT WITH A PERSON WHO IS ABLE TO HELP OTHERS BY WHAT THEY KNOW AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH - THE PREACHING I CAN DO WITHOUT.  IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO JUDGE THEM BUT IT'S MY RIGHT TO HAVE AN OPINION. 
WHEN I TALK ABOUT MAKING STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE IT IS REALLY A SIMPLE THING I GO TO AT A TIME OF TROUBLE.  YES MY HEALTH IS FRUSTRATING.  YES MY CHILD WAS NOT DEALT A FAIR HAND IN LIFE.  YES - LIFE COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER......BUT COULDN'T THINGS ALSO BE SO MUCH WORSE?  SO WHEN I GET DOWN I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE WORDS.  MY LIFE IS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE TIME - IT DOESN'T END WITH AGE OR GROWING A THICKER SKIN.  BUT FOR EVERY BAD THING I HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY TIMES MORE THAT COULD BE WORSE.  LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT IS YOUR LAST AND MAKE IT COUNT.  AND NEVER FORGET THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS CAN GET - NEVER BECOME THE VICTIM.  MAKE THE STRIDES IN YOUR LIFE MATTER AND CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO WORK AT THEM A LITTLE BIT HARDER. 

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

DOES IT EVER MAKE YOU WONDER HOW PEOPLE, SUPPOSED FRIENDS, JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE - AND YOU GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE??  I HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING TOO GIVING TO A POINT THAT WOULD THEN GIVE ME THE TITLE OF BEING A DOORMAT.  THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT I HAVE TO STAY TRUE TO WHO I AM AND IF I HAVE TO LEARN MY LESSON THE HARD WAY THEN THAT IS HOW I LEARN.  I WON'T LISTEN TO WHAT ONE PERSON HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANOTHER (UNLESS YOU ARE SAS)....
BEING GIVING IS A GREAT THING AND YOU SHOULD NEVER EXPECT.  IF YOU LOAN SOMEONE MONEY (OR IF THEY PUT YOU IN THE AWKWARD POSITION OF ASKING TO BORROW IT) THEN YOU NEED TO LOOK AT IS AS GIVING RATHER THAN A LOAN.  MOST OF THE TIME WHEN YOU "LOAN" ANYTHING YOU MAY AS WELL BE GIVING IT AWAY.  SO AS FAR AS MY GIVING GOES I LOVE TO GIVE BUT GENERALLY IT CAN'T BE MONEY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY.  RECENTLY I LOANED MY LAST $10 TO A "FRIEND" WHO ASKED AND PROMISED TO PAY IT BACK THAT NIGHT - AND I MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR I NEEDED IT.  HAVE I SEEN THE MONEY?  YOU CAN GUESS....HAVE I SEEN MY "FRIEND"....YOU CAN GUESS.
IN THESE SITUATIONS I THINK TO MYSELF "REALLY - LIKE WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"  IT'S STRANGE TO ME TO BE SUCH A JACKASS IN THESE SITUATIONS.  YOU TRUST YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU ARE UNDER THE ILLUSION THAT THEY VALUE THE FRIENDSHIP BUT THESE THINGS MAKE YOU WONDER IF YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES. 
FIRST OF ALL I WOULD NEVER ASK TO BORROW MONEY.  I WOULD RATHER START PAWNING MY THINGS THAN TO PUT MYSELF AND SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT IN THAT POSITION.  IT'S ALSO VERY RUDE TO MAKE PROMISES YOU KNOW YOU CANNOT KEEP.  ANOTHER REFERENCE TO MY "NO MAKING PROMISES" RULE.  I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WHO IS LOOKED AT AS A LIAR OR A FLAKE. 
I'M NOT A STUPID PERSON AND I ALWAYS GIVE AT LEAST ONE CHANCE TO NOT PROVE ME WRONG AND WHEN I DO END UP DISAPPOINTED I'VE LEARNED.  THE ONLY PERSON I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IS MY CHILD AND MYSELF.  I AM NOT RAISING A CHILD THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN "ADULT" AND A "FRIEND" BECAUSE IT'S LAME.  IF I WERE THEM I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THEM AS WELL AS FRUSTRATED.  I DON'T LIKE BEING LET DOWN AND WHEN I GIVE I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO BOW DOWN TO ME IN PRAISE BUT IT'S JUST A COURTESY TO BE RESPECTFUL. 
THIS PHRASE IS ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES AND MAYBE I CAN BE A LITTLE CRASS AT TIMES BUT WHEN YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PERSON WHO IS A HUMAN LEACH YOU JUST HAVE TO LET THEM BE.  REALLY?  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  IT'S A BLUNT QUESTION THAT MANY OF THESE USERS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER SO IF YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF "WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE" THEN YOU HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION AND IT'S TIME TO SAY GOODBYE AND WISH THEM WELL...

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO CLEANUP

THE TOPIC OF RELATIONSHIPS IS VERY BROAD.  WHAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND SO MUCH LATELY ARE THE FRIENDSHIPS WE CARRY AND I DID A MAJOR "CLEANUP" A WHILE AGO.  I THINK THIS TERM IS FITTING BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT WITH ANYTHING YOU BALANCE IN HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE WHETHER ANYONE UNDERSTANDS OR NOT.
WITH ALL THE DIFFICULTIES IN LIFE WE SOMETIMES RELY MORE ON OUR FRIENDS THAN EVEN OUR FAMILIES BUT YOUR FAMILY CAN BE JUST THOSE PEOPLE.  IN MY CASE IT IS.  MY BESTIE AND I TALK ABOUT SO MUCH ABOUT THE VERY TOPICS I WRITE ABOUT  BECAUSE WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SHARING THE SAME THOUGHT PROCESS WHICH IS CRAZY!  WE'RE ONE MONTH APART AND IT SEEMS WE NEARLY HAVE A TWIN MENTALITY.  SHE IS MY BFF/MY TRUSTED CONFIDENT/LOYAL FRIEND/AND MY COUSIN-SISTER.  I VALUE OUR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCH AND I HOPE I NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.  WITHOUT HER I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO.
FRIENDSHIPS CAN BE CHALLENGING BECAUSE THEY CAN BE AS DEEP AND INVESTED IN AS A MARRIAGE.  TRUE FRIENDSHIP IS ONE WHERE YOU FEEL YOU ARE AN EQUAL IN.  IT SHOULD NEVER BE BASED ON STATUS OR HOW MUCH MONEY YOU DO OR DO NOT HAVE.  THE RELATIONSHIP SHOULD ALWAYS BE A PRIORITY TO BOTH PEOPLE.  IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A FRIEND WHERE YOU HAVE SET TIMES YOU CAN TALK OR ARRANGE TO MEET AROUND THEIR PARTNERS SCHEDULE CAN BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN AND TO BE FRANK, THESE ARE THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT DO NOT INTEREST ME.  I AM NOT IN COMPETITION WITH ANTONE'S OTHER HALF.  IN THE PAST I HAVE AND THERE WAS SOME WEIRD JEALOUSY THING.  I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT WAS BUT MY "FRIEND" ALWAYS MADE SURE TO TELL ME ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HER HUSBAND HAD SAID ABOUT ME.  THIS WAS A TEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MADE IT SO DIFFICULT WAS THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE INVESTED SO MUCH AND RELATIONSHIPS EVEN FORM WITH THE CHILDREN AND YOU ARE SO INTERTWINED IN THEIR LIVES. 
WHEN YOU HAVE A FRIENDSHIP THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL WORTHWHILE OR THAT YOU ARE JUST THERE AT THEIR DISPOSAL IT IS NO LONGER A FRIENDSHIP.  THIS PERSON BECOMES AN ACQUAINTANCE AND YOU HAVE TO SORT OF BREAKUP AS YOU WOULD IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.  WITH MY FRIEND SHE WOULD PUT HER HUSBAND ON SPEAKER PHONE WHEN HE WOULD CALL AND THEN WHEN SHE WOULD TELL HIM WHO SHE WAS WITH I HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL THE VIAL THINGS HE WOULD SAY ABOUT ME.  THEN THERE WOULD BE TIMES THAT SHE WAS JUST TOO BUSY TO DO ANYTHING ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE HAD BEEN SPENDING TIME WITH OTHER FRIENDS.  IT WASN'T EVEN JEALOUSY BUT WHY LIE?  AFTER TRYING TO REASON WITH HER ABOUT MY FEELINGS REGARDING HER HUSBAND AND HOW IT MADE ME FEEL, I FELT THAT I WAS NEVER REALLY HEARD.  SHE HAD A MILLION EXCUSES AND I WOULD TRY AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW BUT NOTHING CHANGED.  WHEN I COMPLETELY STOPPED TALKING WITH HER SHE WOULD WRITE ME THESE EMAILS TELLING ME HOW MUCH SHE MISSED ME AND THAT IF I WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING TO JUST CALL HER WHEN I WAS READY.  AFTER EXHAUSTING ALL OF MY RESOURCES I WAS TAPPED OUT AND FOR ME THE FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER.  I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A JERK ABOUT IT BUT IN MY MIND IT WAS DONE AND IT FELT LIKE THIS HUGE WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED.  IT WASN'T EASY FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I NOT ONLY CARED FOR HER BUT I HAD BEEN THERE FOR HER KIDS THROUGH ALL OF HER PREGNANCIES AND ALL THE GOOD & BAD STUFF IN LIFE.  BUT THE BREAKUP HAD TO HAPPEN. 
WHEN A FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO MUCH WORK AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY VALUES IT THEN IT MIGHT NOT BE THE HEALTHIEST THING TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.  I NEVER WANT TO BE A BOTHER TO ANYONE AND IF IT'S THAT DIFFICULT FOR THAT PERSON TO MAKE ANY TIME FOR ME IN THEIR LIFE OR UNDERSTAND HOW I LIVE MINE THEN IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. 
A GENUINE CARE AND LOYALTY IN A FRIENDSHIP IS ONE THAT YOU CAN RELY ON NO MATTER WHAT.  FOR ME PERSONALLY FRIENDSHIPS ARE TRICKY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY TRUST ISSUES, ESPECIALLY WITH WOMEN.  MY LIFE IS NAVIGATED BOTH BY CHOICE AND BY CIRCUMSTANCE.  I FEEL SOMETIMES LIKE I'M NOT THE GREATEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH.  YOUR TRUE FRIENDS KNOW YOU.  THEY KNOW YOUR HEART, THEY UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE WITHOUT GOING INTO SOME BIG EXPLANATION, AND THEY ARE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT CONDITIONS. 
NO FRIENDSHIP IS PERFECT.  THERE WILL BE MISUNDERSTANDINGS AT TIMES OR YOU MIGHT BE AN OFF MOOD AND SOMETHING THEY SAY MIGHT IRRITATE FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER - BUT THAT'S OK.  IT'S NORMAL AND IT'S HEALTHY.  TO BE ABLE TO WEATHER THE MORE UNPLEASANT TIMES IS A REAL TESTAMENT TO THE FRIENDSHIP AND DEFINITELY ONE TO HOLD ON TO AND KEEP INVESTING IN.  YES THERE MAY BE BUSY SCHEDULES AND OF COURSE IF YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO BE CONSIDERATE AND THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THAT TOO. 
LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT TO FEEL BAD ABOUT A FRIEND WHO DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL IMPORTANT ENOUGH.  IT IS SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT BECOMES THE NORM IN THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT IS CAUSING YOU HURT AND DAMAGES THE SHRED OF FRIENDSHIP YOU ARE CLINGING TO.  IT'S NOT SO SIMPLE TO DO BUT SOMETIMES  IT IS JUST TIME TO MOVE ON.....WITHOUT THEM. 
FRIENDSHIPS ARE ABOUT QUALITY NOT QUANTITY.  SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR HEART AND CAN BE THERE FOR YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS.  CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST AS YOU WOULD WITH YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.  WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH A PERSON WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANNOYING THEM BECAUSE YOU CALLED AND INTERRUPTED SOMETHING OR THAT BLOWS YOU OFF AND JUST WON'T MEET YOU IN THE MIDDLE?  MOST OF US WOULDN'T SO WHY WOULD FRIENDS BE THE EXCEPTION TO THIS?  WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE DO YOU WANT TO WORK SO HARD AT SOMETHING THAT ADDS NOTHING TO YOUR LIFE AT ALL?  JUST REMEMBER - QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY.  YOU NEVER HAVE TO "SETTLE" IN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS JUST LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.  BE WITH PEOPLE WHO BUILD YOU UP AND DON'T JUDGE YOU FOR YOUR PAST OR FOR CHOICES YOU MAKE THAT THEY DON'T AGREE WITH.  WHEN HARD TIMES COME AND AFTER THE SMOKE CLEARS YOU WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOR WHO THEY ARE AND THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE.......AND WHEN YOU FIND THAT OUT YOU WILL KNOW WHETHER OR NOT IT'S TIME TO DO SOME CLEANUP AND RID YOURSELF OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO BRING NOTHING BUT STRESS AND INSECURITIES TO YOUR LIFE. 

HOW SUPERFICIAL ARE YOU?

EVERYONE WILL SAY THAT THEY SEE SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE AND NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.  I FEEL THAT I AM A PERSON WHO IS FAIR IN THAT DEPARTMENT.  IN MY LOVE LIFE I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH SOME OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MEN AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH MEN THAT OTHERS WOULD SCRATCH THEIR HEAD IN WONDER....
THE TRUTH OF IT IS THAT WE ALL WANT TO BE THE "BIGGER PERSON" AND SEE BEYOND THE OUTER LAYER OF A PERSON BUT CAN YOU REALLY LOOK AT A PERSON AND KNOW THEIR HEART?  IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO SEE A PERSON AND FIND AN IMMEDIATE ATTRACTION BY THE WAY THEY LOOK.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.  ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING BUT THE OUTER LAYER.  A LUSTFUL ATTRACTION RATHER THAN A LASTING RELATIONSHIP WITH DEPTH AND SUBSTANCE.
AT MY AGE I FIND THAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE CHANGES IN MY BODY THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE.  SUPPOSEDLY IT'S AGE AND THE CHANGING OF A WOMAN'S BODY BUT FOR ME I HAVE NEVER HAD STOMACH FAT AND IT IS SOMETHING I REFUSE TO JUST GET USED TO. 
WHEN I AM OUT IN PUBLIC FOR WHATEVER REASON, I LOOK AROUND AND I OBSERVE PEOPLE RATHER THAN LOOK THEM UP AND DOWN.  I WONDER WHAT IT IS THEY ARE LOOKING AT.  IT'S SO GROSS TO SEE A GUY WITH HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WHO IS LOOKING AROUND AT OTHER WOMEN AND THERE ARE SCREAMING CHILDREN IN THE SHOPPING CART BUT HIS EYES ARE GLUED ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HIS CHILDREN WHO ARE ABOUT TO JUMP HEAD FIRST OUT OF THE CART.  THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING TO SEE AND SHAMEFUL.  IF I HEAR ONE MORE GUY SAY "I'M A GUY, I CAN'T HELP IT"  ......BULLSHIT!  THAT IS THE LAMEST THING I HEAR.  IF THAT IS TRUE - THE WHOLE "GENDER" ATTITUDE AND GENERAL FEELING OF ENTITLEMENT THEN WE ARE IN TROUBLE.  WOMEN COULD GET TIRED OF THEIR MAN GOING OUT OF THEM, NEVER FEELING LIKE THEY ARE ENOUGH FOR THE MAN THAT PROMISED TO LOVE THEM AND BE THERE FOR THEM UNCONDITIONALLY - NOT TO MENTION THE FAMILY.  AND YET, WE WONDER WHY SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T BE CIVIL WHEN A BREAKUP OCCURS AND THE CHILDREN PAY FOR THE RESENTMENT THEIR PARENTS HAVE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER.  IT'S RIDICULOUS.  IT ENDS UP BEING A NO WIN SITUATION.
I KNOW OF A FEW MEN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD WHO FEEL SO VICTIMIZED BY WHAT THEIR EX IS PUTTING THEM THROUGH.  PLEASE LET ME MAKE ONE THING VERY CLEAR - A MAN PLAYING "VICTIM" IS THE MOST UNATTRACTIVE AND EMASCULATING QUALITY THAT I PERSONALLY CANNOT STAND!  IT'S GROSS.  THEY ARE NOT A VICTIM. 
YES, THERE ARE SOME NASTY SITUATIONS BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS ACTIONS SO WHY GET SO WORKED UP AND UPSET?  THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS TRY TO MAINTAIN AND LIVE RIGHT AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
SO THIS TAKES ME BACK TO THE OVERALL QUESTION OF BEING SUPERFICIAL.  NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN RELATIONSHIPS GENERALLY ARE VISUALLY BASED BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL LAST.  NOBODY CAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO IN SOME WAY.  IT DOESN'T EVEN COME DOWN TO A SEXUAL THING.  THERE HAS TO BE A MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE THAT CAN GO FOR THE LONG HAUL.  THERE ISN'T A RELATIONSHIP I KNOW OF THAT HAS BEEN EASY.  IT IS WORK AND COMMITMENT.  LET'S FACE IT - WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE BUT IS IT WORTH A LITTLE LUSTFUL FUN AND RISK RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP/FAMILY?  IF YOU ARE A SUPERFICIAL PERSON AND JUST NEED THAT "VARIETY" IN YOUR LIFE THEN YOU ARE POSSIBLY GOING TO CARRY CRABS THAT DIDN'T COME FROM THE BEACH AND YOU WILL LIVE A VERY LONELY LIFE.  A LASTING RELATIONSHIP THAT CAN ENDURE ALL OF THE TEMPTATION AROUND US AND COMPLETE YOUR LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS IS WORTH IT - TO ME.  IN OUR SOCIETY ANYTHING GOES AND IT'S DAMAGING THE CHANCES OF EVER BEING ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE REALNESS THAT A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO OFFER.  IT'S FAIR GAME THOUGH - IT TAKES A HELL OF A MAN AND AN AMAZING WOMAN TO MAKE THIS WORK BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. 
I'M THE POSTER CHILD FOR PATHETIC RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANT AT LEAST ONE MAN TO PROVE MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS WRONG.  I DOUBT I WILL EVER GET MARRIED BUT I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE AND CONTENT THAN BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T FULFILL ME.  IT ISN'T WORTH IT TO ME TO WORRY ABOUT A GUY WHO YOU KNOW IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER OR THE OPPORTUNIST JUST WAITING FOR AN OFFER THAT YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH. 
THIS HAS BEEN MY TOTAL BITCHING SESSION BECAUSE THESE ISSUES IRRITATE ME TO NO END AND IF ANY OF YOU MEN ARE READING THIS PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE SOME INPUT.  I KNOW THAT MANY OF US WOMEN WOULD JUST LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

WHO REALLY WANTS THE COMPETITION?

I'm trying to drink my coffee but I have rotater cuff tendinitis and had to have a cortisone shot two days ago.  I was worried it could have been another blood clot after having to take the hormones that greatly increase the chances with my Factor V Leiden in the lead and after already having a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) ........the worst kind of blood clot you can have because of the threat it has of breaking off and traveling to your lungs causing a Pulmonary Embolism, the very thing that took my Dad's Father from him in transport to another hospital for his leg to be amputated.  He didn't make it.  With such problems I'm sad to say that this is just another day.  I wouldn't feel alive if I didn't feel the pain that plagues me every day of my life in one area or another.
You wonder why anyone would want to be in your shoes.  Sure, your life is good in so many ways but the secrets you hide from the world that only you know are like these demons that you can't shake.  Everyone wonders why you "choose" to live such an existence.  Choose.  Such an interesting word to use.
When you have every single element of your life going on in a circular motion in your brain that does not allow you to rest, relax, or have any piece of mind then you wonder what is wrong with yourself.  I know what is wrong with me but only after years of battling a debilitating problem that I mastered masking.  Why would I ever choose this life for myself, for my son??  YOU DON'T CHOOSE IT.  That is the point of it all.
Your brain tricks you into not listening to your instincts and rejects reasonable thought.  You know better but you want to believe otherwise.  In the process you get hurt over and over and not in one way but in a million.  The results vary by person, by relationship. I thought it was always just something I wasn't doing right but deep down I knew I was dealing with something that was so much bigger than me.  There were no names for what I was going through, no labels and certainly no doctors involved. 
Beyond living the American dream that turned into a nightmare in my early teens took a turn to hell when I lost my Grandfather.  I think that set the tone for the rest of what was to come in my life and the choices I would make.  When he died I felt like a part of me died with him.  It effected my family in a major way.
I don't feel sorry for myself and I refuse to feel victimized.  My Grandmother and my Mom taught me better than that. The term "Lead by example" is one that both of these women have lived up to even more than necessary.  It's ironic how you have this picture of what you hope to see your life turn out to be and it ends up completely off the path you started on.  One thing I knew when I was quite young is that I would die at a very young age.  My Grandfather's suicide glorified a strength that was not organic.  It was false.  Wrong.  I understand why he did what he felt he had to do but I didn't and don't.  After dealing with his tragic and violent death I lost several others by the same method.  It's not a good feeling being on the receiving end of all that.  I was given the saving grace of my life that I'm not even certain I deserved but obviously someone else disagreed.  For that I owe my life in a different way - to make the most of each and every situation. 
When you live in chronic pain, health problems that almost seem made up because of the embarrassment of there being so many of them, and the disruption I can't turn off.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I have had friends in my life who want to compete with me.  ME.  The person sick all the time.  The person who has to lie because of the shame of what my life really is.  The person who can never make a solid plan and has to even cancel the much needed doctor appointments because my body will not cooperate with what I need from it.  Who wants to compete with that?  Seriously?  Unless you know this life you can never understand the toll it takes on you physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and how it rules your life as little as you can afford it to.  There are times I have no choice but to surrender.  When you weigh the odds and think that you should push yourself knowing what normally happens it isn't worth it in the end of that particular situation or circumstance.  I have learned that lesson in a very difficult way.  When you have another life depending on you and watching your every move you must tread lightly and really think....and I mean really think.  It's no joke and you can't let on how bad it really is so it manifests itself until you are about to explode.  Then you finally do.  Or in my case the actual term is called "hypomania
Having a problem or illness is nothing to compete with.  For me it's like a hot potato that I can't drop.  Nobody should want to compete with such serious and dreaded things.  It's a slap in the face when someone, more importantly a friend, is trying to "one up" you on the part of your life which you can only control by means of medication and maybe yoga & meditation.  Needless to say I don't keep anyone around me who wants to have suffered from diseases, domestic violence, health problems with your children and even as much as financial problems.
It must be time to go - Lilly Allen is in my ear buds right now and "Fuck you very much" just came on.....Wish you all well and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

IMPULSE CONTROL

Impulse control is not a want or desire - it is absolutely necessary.  This can also play a part in addiction and addictive personalities.  I'm sure if we all sat down with a pen and paper and wrote down our many things we wish to "curb" or rid ourselves of we would have quite a few things. 
I haven't exactly sat down and written all of this out but I do know I have many problems in this area.  If you read my writings you know that I use my own life and personal experiences to talk about and share.  Nothing too private but if I don't write on actual knowledge than I'm basically guessing and that isn't who I am.  
For all of my life I have tended to always go the opposite direction as everyone else.  I have chosen friendships where I gave all of my trust and insecurities away only to be hurt or betrayed in the end.  It's been worse in my love life.  I'm a relationship person - meaning I don't like to date really.  Generally I can tell right away if I want to really be involved with a person or not and the funny thing is that unless it comes down to a personal dilemma I will try and make it work with a person I have lost complete interest in....simply for the sake of determination and also for the fact that I made a commitment.  The people close to me all know that I don't make promises because I don't want to let anyone down and my world is one constant changing cycle.  There never are two days the same. 
Now I have to swallow my pride and admit something that I have been really been trying to look at objectively in myself.  The relationships I choose with men seem to be unhealthy.  I have a strong belief that there are two kinds of people in this world.  There are good people who make really bad decisions and then there are just the people who are wired wrong.  I don't know how else to phrase that.  I'm sure if you think about it you know many of both types.  My problem is that I want to believe that people are good and that maybe I can be the one to help them out of a life they are punishing themselves living.  This whole thing comes from my past and the people I used to surround with.  There are so many Beatle song references I could use right now as I'm thinking....
I wouldn't say I feel sorry for people and get myself involved, because I prefer to live a fairly simplistic life and work at keeping my chaotic life calm - BUT - I want so much for people to succeed and if there is anything I can do I want to try.  I'm in no position to be a "fixer" and at times I find myself in the very role.  My relationships are a disaster and I have finally come to terms with the fact that after being engaged four times I am just a hopeless, or rather, hopeful romantic. 
These impulses of mine can be harmful and unhealthy in so many ways.  Generally I end up feeling really bad because I have been of no use to that person or I feel that by being too giving it is looked at as being too pushy which really isn't the case.  When you feel so deeply and so strong in your convictions your life takes on a whole new meaning.  These are definitely the impulses I need to control and I need to learn to take my own advise when I talk with my friends about these very issues. 
Impulse can be very harmless or it can change your life forever in ways you wished it hadn't.  At the end of it all you have to find your boundaries and what you need for your own life to make certain your life is level and you have a true balance to it. 
And yes, I do jump around when I write but I put down the very thoughts that are entering my mind at the present time.  When I write about such personal things I always have a revelation about something and have that "oh ok" moment.  The moment when something finally makes sense. 
Your impulses are all about structure and discipline.  Sounds fairly simple but actually quite challenging.  As I become more aware of the person I am there are parts I like better and other parts I don't like so much.  I'm a work in progress but I will get there. 
Best of luck to all of you and if you struggle too much and your life is being so negatively effected then it is time to get medicated!  Trust me on that one....

Pas d'anttenes....No expectations

No expectations....how difficult is that?  There are so many scenarios for this but the one that comes quickest to mind is one that I have often become so familiar with. 
First of all everyone should have some expectations of how they would like their life to be and we are all entitled to the life we work for.  However - this can get tricky.  While we should hold people to high moral standard we also should not go into any situation with any particular expectation in mind or we may end up sadly disappointed. 
This rule can apply to every aspect of life.  Relationships, work, family, and so much more.  We can expect that they won't put syrup in my coffee drink but it may somehow end up in it.  So you take it back and tell them you would like a new drink.  Almost always they will be happy to accommodate you.  But what happens when something in life goes terribly wrong after certain expectations have done nothing but let you down over and over?  This is something I wonder about a lot. 
Are my expectations too low?  Possibly.  The bottom line is this - another of the many rules I live by: Plan for the worst and hope for the best.  It's hard to switch your feeling when you are dead set on it but sometimes you just need to for your own sanity.  Many people would say I am pessimistic and I am - BUT - it is a very realistic point of view in my opinion. 
If you are a person who just goes with the flow then I truly envy you.  That's a great quality to have.  We have to live and learn from our own mistakes and we cannot make any situation happen just because we want it so much.  So - I think I will try and apply the "No expectations" to my life and just maybe I won't seem so negative.....but probably not (You see what I mean?)

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO LET IT GO

It seems like lately this is one of the strongest phrases that I am trying to pound into my brain.  I am a person who needs resolution in any situation I am in.  It's not a matter of being right or having the final word.  For me resolution is a respectful way to sort of end a chapter in order to finish a situation.  It's something that so many people don't know or even care to do.  Well, I am not one of those people.
I've been in situations where it was near impossible to stand the sight of a certain person for whatever the reason but when it's time to finish business there needs to be a way that you are willing to somehow meet in the middle to give it a final farewell.  In my past I had a relationship where his voice was like nails on a chalkboard - the whining voice on the other end of the phone or the random notes when he just "happened to be in the area" and I would be so mad.  To make this more clear this person disrespected my child and honestly didn't deserve any closure from me whatsoever but I knew it was the right thing to do.  As much as I detested him, and still do, I felt that ending that chapter was what needed to happen. I have to say I was brutally honest, maybe even mean.  What was the point of beating around the bush?  I tried to be thoughtful in how I said things but it was extremely difficult when I thought back to things he had said and done.  It was a quick sort of meeting and it ended on a neutral note.  To be even more clear I would never have anything to do with this person again as long as he is in existence. 
I have the ability to tolerate most people but I am incredibly selective about the company I keep.  My extraordinarily small circle of friends are of value and substance in my life - the people who are there when I need them, the addition to family (if they aren't already), but most importantly it's about quality rather than quantity.  I'm learning how to let go of some things but what most people don't realize that it isn't anything you want from them.  The things I need from someone when things need to just be finalized can be something as simple as an acknowledgement of something really wrong or hurtful that they did.  When your feelings are not validated it makes it hard to move past that person or situation.  I've realized that it really isn't about the person or situation but more about the principle of what it is about.  In my opinion this is important for the other party to recognize - especially when it is an obvious pain or deep wound you have from their actions or even those of your own.
Owning your own mistakes and accepting those of others is challenging.  I don't want to hurt anyone on purpose and I never understand how so much hurt can be caused and then completely ignored.  Maybe I don't want to understand.  I don't know but this is a topic that is very close to my heart right now and I don't know when exactly it will go away.  Sometimes we do just need to recognize that your feelings won't be validated and the poor actions of the other will never be acknowledged.  I don't know why but I think if a person can be so cold and simply ignore it all and just go about life there comes a point where we just need to move on from it and I'm trying.  You never stop learning - it is a life lesson and one I am taking one step at a time.  Will I ever find the closure I am in such desperation to have or will it just always sit at the back of my mind?  I won't know until I have reached a decision one way or the other but I can say that with the support of the people I'm able to be vulnerable with and confide in makes all the difference in how I get through it all.  I need to let go but I haven't quite figured out how.  A work in progress.....

HOW DO YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF?

How do you look at yourself?  Seems like something you would have a very simple answer to but is that realistic?  We all have an idea of who we really are but how we view ourselves can be complex.
I will be the first in saying that I can let most things roll off my back but let's face it, we look at ourselves as though we are others looking at us.  Our view or opinions of ourselves are based so much on how we desire to be looked at in a particular way.  You want to be a friend to everyone - which is absolutely impossible.  That isn't even a pessimistic way to look at it....it is a realistic thing.  If you think you can please everyone all the time you will end up not pleasing the one person that should matter most - YOU.
When I look at myself I don't see this young skinny minnie girl with perfect skin and great style.  I see myself as a person who could always use a little work in every department of my life.  Being me can be a complex job.  Just ask my Mom!  It's funny as you get older how much things change.  Yes - you do have a certain amount of the same ideals as far as finding a nice partner, someone kind, nice looking, has a car & a home.  Those are pretty typical things. 
I've said it before but growing up I wasn't a person who had much self worth and I felt anything bad that happened I must have deserved.  That isn't true at all. Do I believe in Karma? Absolutely.  One day we all have to meet our maker and the expectations I have in myself have changed for the better.  I do value who I am.  Have I allowed people to take me for granted?  Yes I have.  But- this wasn't due to a lack of my own self worth.  I don't look at myself as being someone who looks down at anyone.  I'm more than entitled to have an opinion, especially when it somehow ties into my life.  It's hard not to judge people for whatever reason.  For me it's not because I am so above them.  It's like the saying goes "opinions are like assholes and everyone has one" - terrible expression but too true! 
My learning everything the hard way is not something I enjoy.  In fact I wish I wasn't one of those people.  I don't want to be a person who takes another persons word as "THE WORD" so I would rather find out on my own.  Whether I learn the hard way or not I need to find these things out personally rather than by the experience of someone else.  This also goes in part with finding your truth.  It's fair to make a judgement call based on your personal experience but why is it people seem to never learn?  My Mom gave me a really valuable piece of advise.  After beating myself up so badly over poor choices and mistakes I had made she told me that it is human to make mistakes but learning from them and not repeating them is key.  I believe that is true and she has taught me many words to live by. 
How do you look at who you are?  If you are trying to live your life through the eyes of someone else you will never live and really experience life.  We have to live the good and the bad to become the people we are meant to be.  These are life lessons.  No college can teach you what you need to learn or prepare you for the hurts you may experience in the future so why should anyone dictate your life other than you?  It doesn't work to constantly second guess yourself.  At the age I am I always think "oh I know this answer" but I really don't.  No two situations are ever the same so how can one situation have the same outcome every time. 
Maybe I'm completely off the trail of what I'm trying to say here but this wouldn't be the first time.  I have already said I think way too much and sometimes one thought leads into a hundred more.  This question is very important to know the answer to.  This answer is one that navigates the way you live, how you think, and the way you form relationships.  Looking at yourself isn't even a time factor.  You can be a child or an adult and you always have a right to this question. 
It all comes down to how we value our own thoughts and feelings, not those of someone you want to like or respect you.  This leads me to one final thought and if you know where it came from then you will know a little more about me.  This is one of a couple quotes (outside of my Mom) that I truly live by and this is my final end to this message:

"IT'S BETTER TO BE HATED FOR WHAT YOU ARE, THAN TO BE LOVED FOR WHAT YOU ARE NOT" .......

HOW TO DEAL WITH SUCH PEOPLE...

I HAVE SERIOUSLY HAD IT WITH SUCH ABSENT MINDED PEOPLE.  WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE AT THE VERY LEAST CIVIL?  MAYBE THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR SOME PEOPLE TO GRASP - THE SIMPLE ACT OF HUMANITY. 
YOU KNOW THE SAYING "TREAT PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED".....WELL IT DOES NOT WORK!!!  PEOPLE STILL TREAT YOU AWFUL.  HERE IS AN EXPERIENCE I CAN TELL YOU I WILL NEVER FORGET, AND I MEAN NEVER.
IT'S SAD TO TRUST SOMEONE SO MUCH AND YOU ARE STABBED IN THE BACK REPEATEDLY UNTIL THE KNIFE IS JUST THERE.  YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN FOR THIS PERSON AND EVERYONE IS TREATED WITH THOUGHT AND KINDNESS BUT YOU....THAT PERSON WHO HAS BEEN THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS.  THE PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD THEM WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID.  THE PERSON WHO BELIEVED IN THEM, AND TO SOME DEGREE, STILL DOES.  YET YOU WONDER HOW IT IS YOU COULD BE SO GIVING TO THEM OF YOUR HEART AND PIECES OF YOUR SOUL, YOUR INNER MOST PRIVACY, AND THEY TREAT YOU LIKE WHAT????  IT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING. 
WHEN I WAS YOUNG I WAS VERY INSECURE AND THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF MYSELF.  I WAS A TOMBOY (STILL AM), AND I WAS LOOKED AT AS MERELY "ONE OF THE GUYS" BECAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDS WERE MALE.  I WAS NEVER TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ANYTHING ELSE.  THEN, MUCH TO MY SURPRISE I END UP HAVING MY FIRST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE I GREW UP WITH AND WAS A FRIEND FROM WAY BACK WHEN.  WE WERE SAVING OURSELVES FOR MARRIAGE AND AFTER NEARLY TWO YEARS OF A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.  OF COURSE I SAID YES.  THE HAPPINESS WAS GONE SO QUICKLY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD BEEN MESSING AROUND.  I QUESTIONED MYSELF AND BLAMED MYSELF.  ALL THOSE SAME INSECURITIES CAME BACK AND I WONDERED WHY I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
NEARLY TWO DECADES LATER I END UP BACK IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS SAME PERSON.  LET ME TELL YOU - WHEN I SEE A MAN AS A FATHER I SEE THEM SO DIFFERENTLY.  I SEE A MAN WHO LOVES AND VALUES HIS RESPONSIBILITY AND SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE WITNESS TO.  HERE IS A GUY WHO REALLY GREW UP - YOU THINK.  YOU INVEST IN THEM ALL OVER AGAIN ONLY THE STAKES ARE HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE PAST AND BECAUSE THERE ARE NOW CHILDREN INVOLVED.  IT FELT SO NATURAL.  THERE WAS SUCH A FAMILIARITY AND COMFORT THAT THERE WAS JUST NO WAY IT COULD BE WRONG. 
I'VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE A PRETTY GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER BUT ONE FLAW I DO HAVE IN THAT IS THE FACT THAT I ALMOST REFUSE TO SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.  ALL THAT WARMTH I FELT AND TRUST I GAVE MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  IT ENDED UP WORSE THAN THE LAST TIME. 
THE LESSON IN THIS IS THAT HISTORY REPEATING ITSELF IS NOT A MYTH.  IT'S A FACT AND YOU MAY WANT TO BE SO RIGHT AND STRONG IN YOUR CONVICTION BUT IT ENDS UP ALL THE SAME. 
NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT FEELING.....EVEN IF IT HASN'T HIT YOU YET!  OTHERWISE YOU WILL END UP IN MY POSITION OF BEING A HUMAN DOORMAT AND IT FEELS PRETTY BAD.

KEEPING YOUR COOL IN HOT SITUATIONS

FIRST OF ALL, IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?  I GO OVER THINGS SO MUCH IN MY HEAD AND SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE WHEN I REALLY NEED THEM TO.  LIKE - HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN YOUR CALM IN A SITUATION THAT IS NEVER GOING TO BE?  OR - HOW CAN YOU BRING THE TEMPERATURE DOWN WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL?  SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T.
I AM BY NO MEANS PERFECT SO LET'S JUST GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.....
WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I LEARN THINGS THE HARD WAY - BUT - I ALSO KNOW THAT I HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO BE THE CALM IN A CRAZY SITUATION.  TRUST ME, I USED TO WORK IN PROPERTY MANAGEMENT WHERE YOU LIVE ON SITE AMONG THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO ENFORCE RULES AND REGULATIONS WITH.  YOU HAVE TO JUST SAY "OK" AND JUST LISTEN WHEN YOU ARE REALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE.  THERE WERE COUNTLESS TIMES I HAD PEOPLE SCREAMING AT ME ABOUT MY BOSS, A LETTER THEY RECEIVED, OR PETTY PROBLEMS WITH THEIR NEIGHBORS.  IN THOSE SITUATIONS I CAN HONESTLY SAY I NEVER ONCE LOST MY COOL AND JUST TRIED DIFUSING THE SITUATION.  AFTER YEARS OF DOING THIS LINE OF WORK IT REALLY DOES TAKE ITS EMOTIONAL TOLL ON YOU.  WE ARE LIKE A LAMB BEING SACRIFICED AND IT'S YOUR JOB.....
ALL THESE YEARS THAT I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH WORK, SCHOOL, FAMILY, PARENTING, ETC. AND YOU ARE ON A CONTIUNOUS CYCLE OF LEARNING HOW TO DEAL AND JUST AS QUICKLY AS YOU RESOLVE ONE SITUATION ANOTHER ONE IS WAITING RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. 
THERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES THAT WORK AND IT DEPENDS ON YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE.  I AM NOT A PERSON WHO LIKES TO TAKE THE MEDICATION ROUTE.  I'M A PERSON WHO LIKES TO BE CLEAR HEADED AND MY TRUE SELF.  TO SHOW VULNERABILITY AT TIMES MAY BE EXACTLY WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES CALL FOR.  BEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND COPING THE BEST WAY YOU KNOW HOW WITHOUT A HUGE CONFRONTATION IS ALWAYS THE BEST WAY TO GO.  PERSONALLY I DETEST VIOLENCE AND ALL THAT IT BRINGS TO THE TABLE.  NOTHING GOOD CAN EVER COME OUT OF IT.  WORDS ARE POWERFUL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THEM CORRECTLY.  IT'S IMPORTANT TO SHOW YOUR STRENGTH IN A WAY THAT SHOWS YOU ARE EMPATHETIC BUT ALSO MORE THAN CAPABLE OF HANDLING THINGS THE RIGHT WAY.  I REALIZE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT CAPABLE OF BEING CALM EVER!
RECENTLY I WAS IN A SITUATION THAT I REALLY DID NOT WANT ANY PART OF.  IT HAD TO DO WITH A PERSON I WORK DAILY TO AVOID.  I WANT  NOTHING OF THIS PERSON AND WANT NOTHING OF THEM IN MY LIFE.  IT'S NOT A MATTER OF BAD MOUTHING THEM BUT IT IS COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY AND FOR THE SANITY AND SAFETY OF BOTH MYSELF AND MY CHILD I HAVE KEPT MY DISTANCE AND JUST STAY OUT OF THINGS INVOLVING THIS PERSON.  I WAS BROUGHT TO A POINT OF NO RETURN WHEN I WAS CALLED BY THIS PERSON AND I AM NOT PROUD IN SAYING THAT I COMPLETELY LOST MYSELF IN IT.  SO MUCH HAD BUILT UP AND ONCE IT STARTED FLOWING I COULDN'T STOP.  I ENDED UP ABSOLUTELY FEELING OUT OF MY MIND AND I WAS SO MAD AT MYSELF THAT I LET IT GET TO ME THE WAY IT DID.  I KNOW BETTER BUT I WAS CAUGHT COMPLETELY OFF GUARD - NOT THAT I AM JUSTIFIED IN MY ACTIONS BUT IT'S THE TRUTH.
LOOKING BACK - I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD HAVE DONE IT ANY DIFFERENT.  THE ENTIRETY OF THE SITUATION WAS SO OUT OF CONTROL FROM THE START THAT IT SET THE STAGE FOR THE COMPLETE UNRAVEL OF THE PROBLEM.  JUST FOR INFORMATION SAKE, THE PROBLEM NEVER DID GET RESOLVED.  IT ALWAYS ENDS UP THAT WAY AND THAT IS WHY I WAS SO UPSET WITH MYSELF.  I'M PRETTY GOOD AT HOLDING MY OWN IN THE RIGHT WAY.  IT'S IMPORTANT TO LEAD BY EXAMPLE AND I WAS NO EXAMPLE THAT NIGHT.  BUT, YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN AND THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO.  I NEVER SET OUT TO HURT ANYONE BUT WHEN I FEEL A DEEP SENSE OF DESPIRATION OR PROTECTION I FIGHT FOR WHAT I KNOW I NEED TO.  THE MESSAGE WAS RIGHT BUT HOW IT WAS PRESENTED WAS NOT.  FOR THAT I DO REGRET BUT I MEANT THE OVERALL MESSAGE AND STAND BY IT.
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT BEING ABLE TO KEEP YOUR COOL UNDER VERY TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES IS A TASK THAT CAN BE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO NAVIGATE THROUGH AND WHEN EMOTION TAKES OVER YOU NEVER KNOW HOW YOU MAY RESPOND.  THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT ONE POSITIVE THING CAME OF IT AND THAT IS TO ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BUT TO ALWAYS REMEMBER: THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  TAKE A WALK, DO SOME YOGA, MAYBE EVEN SOME MEDITATION.....BUT NEVER ALLOW ANYONE OR ANYTHING COMPROMISE WHO YOU ARE AND MAKE YOU ACT OUT IN A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT REFLECT YOUR TRUE CHARACTER.  IN THE END YOU ONLY FEEL DISAPPOINTED WITH YOURSELF AND IT MAKES THE CRAZY PERSON LOOK NEARLY SANE.....NEARLY.  JUST LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.  WE ARE HUMAN AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AT ANY GIVEN TIME WITHOUT ANY WARNING....

THE REALITY CALLED LIFE

HAVE YOU EVER FELT OVERWHELMED AND JUST TIRED OF LIFE BEING SO CHAOTIC WHEN OTHERS ARE SO "DISCIPLINED" IN THE WAY THEY LIVE?  DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU ARE LOOKED DOWN ON FOR NOT HAVING "CONTROL" IN YOUR OWN LIFE?  THE TRUTH OF IT ALL IS THAT LOOKS CAN BE VERY DECEIVING. 
WHEN YOU HAVE FRIENDS OR PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO HAVE THEIR CHILDREN GOING TO BED EVERY NIGHT AT THE SAME TIME, THREE  MEALS A DAY (AT THE DINNER TABLE....UNLESS THEY ARE IN SCHOOL), AND DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT THE WAY PEOPLE VIEW YOU?  IT'S TIME THE TRUTH BE TOLD.....
THE REALITY OF LIFE IS THAT IT IS MESSY AND UNSCHEDULED.  HOW CAN YOU ORGANIZE WHAT WASN'T EVEN PLANNED?  I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT IT IS NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE THIS SO-CALLED PERFECT LIFE.  OUR LIVES CAN BE MESSY AND DIFFICULT WITH SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS.  WITH MY OWN CHILD SLEEP HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ISSUE - JUST AS IT HAS BEEN FOR ME.  IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE A BEDTIME THAT WAS FOLLOWED BUT WHEN YOUR BRAIN WILL NOT TURN OFF ENOUGH TO LET YOU RELAX THEN SLEEP IS ALWAYS SECONDARY.  YOU CAN'T JUST LET YOUR CHILDREN NAVIGATE THEIR OWN LIVES OR THEY WOULD BE EATING CANDY ALL DAY LONG AND DRIVING THE CAR.  SOUND RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?  THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS - AND THAT IS BECAUSE THE REALITY IN WHICH WE LIVE CAN'T BE AS STRUCTURED AS WE ALL HOPE.  HOWEVER, THERE IS NO SHAME IN ANY OF IT.
AT ONE POINT IN MY LIFE I WAS WORKING TWO LITTLE JOBS, GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME AND WAS A SINGLE PARENT.  ONE NIGHT I HAD BEEN WORKING ON A PAPER SO LATE AND AROUND MIDNIGHT THERE IS THIS PERSON AT THE DOOR WITH A CHILD TRYING TO FIND ME.  IT ENDED UP THAT A FAMILY MEMBER WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WAS TOO OVERWHELMED (TOO SELFISH TO BE A PARENT) TO TAKE CARE OF HER CHILD SO SHE LEFT HER WITH US.  THIS LITTLE GIRL DIDN'T KNOW US AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF WHAT WAS GOING ON.  HERE I WAS DOING THE BEST I COULD IN RAISING MY OWN CHILD AND TRYING TO HAVE SOME SORT OF STRUCTURED LIFE FOR US AND SUDDENLY I AM STRUCK WITH THIS NEW RESPONSIBILITY OF TAKING IN A CHILD WHO WAS SCARED AND DID NOT KNOW ME. 
RATHER THAN PANICKING OR BEING UPSET - I CHOSE TO DEAL WITH IT. 
SHE CAME WITH NOTHING OTHER THAN THE UNDERWEAR SHE HAD ON AND AN ADULT T-SHIRT WHICH I GUESS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SLEEP SHIRT???  THE NEXT MORNING I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WAKE UP AND THIS WAS NOTHING BUT A DREAM I HAD BUT IT WASN'T.  IT WAS REALITY AND I NEEDED TO STEP UP AND TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.  THIS LITTLE GIRLS TEETH WERE SO BAD FROM BEING LAID DOWN MOST OF THE TIME AS A BABY WHILE DRINKING A BOTTLE FULL OF JUICE THAT HAD BEGAN ROTTING HER YOUNG TEETH.  SO FIRST THING FIRST - TOOTHBRUSH & TOOTHPASTE.  SHE HAD DIFFICULT HAIR TO WORK WITH SO YET ANOTHER OBSTACLE OF FINDING THE RIGHT PRODUCTS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER HAIR.  THEN IT WAS CLOTHES, UNDERGARMENTS, AND FOOD.  PRETTY SOON WE HAD A NEW CHILD.  SHE WAS SO HAPPY TO TAKE A BUBBLE BATH AND BRUSH HER TEETH WITH HER NEW SCOOBY DOO TOOTH BRUSH AND LOVED HER NEW HAIR PRODUCTS AND ACCESSORIES THAT MADE HER FEEL AS PRETTY AS SHE WAS.  SHE WAS CLEAN, WELL DRESSED, AND WELL CARED FOR.  WHEN WAS HER MOM COMING BACK?  HOW LONG WOULD WE HAVE HER?  NO IDEA!!!
PRETTY SOON MY FAMILY WAS INVOLVED WITH HER AND WELCOMED HER - ONE OF MY MOM'S CUSTOMERS EVEN MADE HER A TEDDY BEAR.  FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS 4-YEAR OLD CHILD FELT LOVE.
WE WOULD GO TO THE PARK OR THE LIBRARY - MAYBE EVEN THE DOLLAR STORE TO PICK OUT PRIZES....IT WAS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE THIS WAS HOW IT WAS GOING TO BE AND THAT WAS MORE THAN OK WITH ME. 
THINGS WERE WORKING OUT AND THEN JUST AS ABRUPTLY AS SHE WAS DROPPED OFF AT MY FRONT DOOR AT MIDNIGHT MONTHS BEFORE - SHE WAS THEN ABRUPTLY TAKEN WHEN HER MOM DECIDED SHE WAS TOO COMFORTABLE HERE.  LIFE CHANGED FOR US AGAIN.  WE HAVE NEVER SEEN HER SINCE. 
THERE WAS NO WAY WE COULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.  HOW COULD SHE BE ON ANY SCHEDULE WHEN LIFE HAD BEEN SO CRUEL TO HER?  YOU CAN'T EVER PREPARE FOR THINGS LIKE THIS BUT WHEN YOU ARE SUDDENLY STRUCK WITH THE UNFAMILIAR YOU JUST DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT.
FOR ME STRUCTURE IS MAKING SURE YOUR CHILDREN EAT WHEN THEY ARE HUNGRY.  DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERY MEAL AT THE TABLE AT A CERTAIN TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  THAT ISN'T EVEN REALISTIC.  WHEN YOU HAVE BLENDED FAMILIES OR JUST A LOT GOING ON WITHIN YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE TO ROLL WITH IT ANY WHICH WAY IT GOES.  YOU MAY HAVE ONE CHILD GOING TO SOCCER WHILE THE OTHER GOES TO DANCE SO HOW CAN EVERYTHING GO IN A STRICT AND STRUCTURED WAY?  IT CAN'T.  YOU MAY HAVE TO GRAB FOOD TO GO AND EAT ON THE WAY.  THEN THE NEXT STOP IS PICKING UP THE OTHER AND ON THE WAY HOME YOU STOP AT YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE TO PICK UP THEIR KIDS SO THAT THEY CAN GO TO WORK.  AT THIS POINT YOU ARE WORN OUT!  YOU STILL HAVE TO FIX DINNER FOR THE REST OF THE GANG AND SOME LIKE TOP RAMEN WHILE THE OTHER WILL ONLY EAT PEANUT BUTTER ON WHITE BREAD AND YOU FIND YOURSELF TRYING TO ACCOMMODATE EVERYONE AND NO ONE IS EATING AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE TENDING TO EVERYONE IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  IS THAT ANYTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF OR IS IT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF?  TO BE ABLE TO TAKE ON SO MUCH AND TO STILL MAINTAIN IN LIFE IS A TRIUMPH TO BE COMPLETELY RESPECTED FOR.  THESE ARE THE SITUATIONS THAT MAKE LIFE FUN OR VERY TRYING BUT IN THE END IF YOU CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE IT THEN YOU ARE GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND. 
SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO FEEL YOU ARE NOT AN EQUAL TO YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE SO VERY STRUCTURED AND DISCIPLINED IN THEIR LIVES YOU AREN'T.  YOU PUT OTHERS BEFORE YOURSELF AND HELP ANYONE YOU CAN WHEN DUTY CALLS.  SPEAKING ONLY FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, NOT PUTTING ANYONE DOWN, BUT THE PEOPLE I KNOW WHO ARE SO "PERFECT" IN HOW THEY NAVIGATE THEIR LIVES ARE ALMOST ALWAYS VERY SELFISH PEOPLE WHICH IS WHY THEY CAN BE SO STRUCTURED.  AND THAT'S OK.  BUT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING SO MUCH AND ARE SO GIVING OF THEMSELVES - TO ME THAT IS EXCEPTIONAL AND SOMETHING TO BE VERY PROUD OF.
THIS EXTRAORDINARY QUALITY TO MULTI-TASK AND LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IT COMES IS A QUALITY THAT WEARS ME OUT THINKING ABOUT IT BUT I WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THIS HONORABLE TITLE TO MY BEST FRIEND & COUSIN (BUT TO ME IS MY SISTER)....
I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE QUITE LIKE HER.  WHEN I GO TO VISIT THERE ARE KIDS RUNNING IN AND OUT AND WANTING SOMETHING TO EAT OR DRINK AND WITHOUT HESITATION SHE IS SO WELCOMING.  HER LIFE MAKES ME TIRED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT - GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME, RAISING FOUR CHILDREN, MAKING A HOME FOR HER HUSBAND AND FAMILY & ALWAYS.....I MEAN ALWAYS HELPING OUT ANYTIME FOR ANYONE NO MATTER HOW TIRED SHE IS OR HOW MUCH HOMEWORK SHE HAS.  SHE IS TAKING KIDS HOME, BABYSITTING, FEEDING NEIGHBOR KIDS WHEN THEIR PARENTS AREN'T AROUND - I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT BUT I AM IN COMPLETE AWE OF HER.  WHAT AN AMAZING PERSON TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE.  IF THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER IN THE WORLD WE COULD ONLY BE SO LUCKY.  SHE IS A FRIEND TO ALL, A CONFIDANT WHEN NEEDED, AN ADULT THAT KIDS CAN TALK TO WHEN THEY CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ELSE AND KNOW THEY WILL BE LISTENED TO WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT IS OF THE RAREST KIND. 
THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY SISTER SASKERS.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ADMIRE YOU FOR YOUR GOALS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TO FIGHT SO HARD FOR AND HAVE ACHIEVED.  YOU ARE A TRULY REMARKABLE WOMAN AND SOMEONE I COULD NOT LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT! 
YOU ARE THE EXAMPLE THAT SO MANY PEOPLE COULD NEVER BE SO SELFLESS TO BE.....

FINDING BALANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

THIS IS QUITE THE SUBJECT LATELY.  FINDING BALANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS IS A VERY BROAD TERM.  RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE RELEVANT TO LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, PARTNERSHIP, WORK......
BALANCE CAN BE DIFFICULT TO ACHEIVE BASED ON SO MANY THINGS.  I FIND THAT ONE OF THE BIGGEST OBSTACLES OF BALANCE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP IS PROBLEMS WITH COMMUNICATION.  IF YOU ARE AN ANGRY PERSON AND ONE PHRASE OR ISSUE IS BROUGHT UP IT CAN SET THE ENTIRE MOOD FOR THAT CONVERSATION OR BE TAKEN SO OUT OF CONTEXT THAT THE WHOLE THING IS OVER AND THERE IS NO POINT OF RETURN.  THIS IS A VERY SAD CONCEPT FOR ME.  IF PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN TO EACHOTHER MORE, CARE FOR EACHOTHER BETTER AND SHOW THE SIMPLE APPRECIATION FOR WHAT MAKES ANY RELATIONSHIP SPECIAL - YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS THE POTENTIAL TO MAKE IT. 
IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP THERE ARE UPS AND DOWNS.  THERE ARE SOME VERY BASIC PRINIPLES IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP THAT ARE NOT A WANT OR DESIRE BUT RATHER A NECESSITY. 
FIRST OF ALL YOU MUST HAVE A DEEP SENSE OF TRUST.  IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TRUST THEN YOU MAY AS WELL TURN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND NEVER LOOK BACK.  I HAVE A PERSONAL RULE FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE BASED ON LOVE.  THE FIRST THING IS WHEN YOU ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR PARTNER HAS FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND THERE HAS BEEN NO EVIDENCE OF CROSSING THE BOUNDARIES OF BEING ANYTHING OTHER THAN FRIENDS - YOU MUST ACCEPT IT.  YOU HAVE TO TRUST YOUR PARTNER.  WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR HEART AND BEGIN A RELATIONSHIP THESE THINGS CAN DAMAGE EVERYTHING FURTHER INTO IT AND BRING RESENTMENT AS TIME GOES.  A LOVE INTEREST SHOULD NEVER "CONTROL" YOU.  HOWEVER, I DO FEEL IT IS QUESTIONABLE IF YOUR PARTNER BEGINS A NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH ANYONE THAT COULD BE A THREAT AFTER YOU HAVE ENTERED THE RELATIONSHIP.  THIS IS ONE SURE WAY YOU CAN HAVE TRUST AND KEEP IT THAT WAY. 
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT PLAY PART IN BALANCE AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.  ONE THING THAT PLAGUES EVERYONE IS JEALOUSY.....THE THOUGHT THAT IS ALWAYS AT THE BACK OF YOUR MIND - CHEATING!  I'M NOT A PERSON WHO HAS CHEATED BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT EVEN PEOPLE WITH GENUINE INTENTION HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO GIVE INTO THIS TEMPTATION THAT THE WORLD OFFERS.  THE BOTTOM LINE IS TO AVOID A SITUATION THAT COULD EVEN BRING THIS TO YOUR ATTENTION.  LETS FACE IT, WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING PEOPLE AND WE ARE ALL HUMAN. 
COMMITTMENT IS CRUCIAL.  PUTTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON THE TOP OF THE PRIORITY LIST IS ESSENTIAL.  OTHER THAN CHILDREN OR FAMILY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT.  EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SPECIAL OTHERWISE YOU END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND WITH A RELATIONSHIP WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT AND THAT ISN'T RIGHT. 
I HAVE ALREADY SAID IT BUT I WILL SAY IT AGAIN - COMMUNICATION IS SO VERY IMPORTANT.  WHEN YOU LISTEN AND TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS SAYING THERE WILL ALWAYS BE CLARITY.  IT IS MUCH TOO EASY TO TAKE THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION OR HEAR ONLY WHAT YOU "THINK" YOU HEARD. 
BOUNDARIES, COMMUNICATION, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, TRUST, AND THE FOUNDATION OF REAL FRIENDSHIP ARE THE INGREDIENTS OF ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.  YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE ANGRY OR HURT AND VOICE YOUR FEELINGS IN CONFIDENCE WITHOUT THE FEAR THAT WHAT YOU SAY WILL BE REPEATED.  YOUR RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD BE SECURE ENOUGH THAT YOU CAN SHARE THINGS BECAUSE THAT PERSON KNOWS YOUR HEART AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR WHAT YOU MAY BE VENTING, YOU ARE NOT BEING JUDGED - BUT SIMPLY BEING HEARD.
THIS IS ONE TOPIC THAT HAS SO MANY DIFFERENT SCENARIOS AND SITUATIONS THAT NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP CAN BE BUILT GENERICALLY. 
THE LAST THING I WANT TO SAY, OR RATHER STRESS, IS THAT YOU NEED TO SHOW THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER IN YOUR LIFE TO FEEL THAT FROM YOU....ALWAYS.  LIFE IS DIFFICULT BUT TO KNOW YOU ARE BEING THOUGHT OF, CARED ABOUT AND LOVED IS A SUCH A SIMPLE YET VERY IGNORED TASK.  LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP GO HAND IN HAND SO MAKE SURE YOU FIND THE RIGHT BALANCE FOR YOU AND WHEN YOU HAVE IT DON'T EVER LET IT GO.....

What Is Your Truth?

Everybody has their own truth.  What you see isn't necessarily what you get.  One thing I have had to come to terms with personally was my own truth.  Who I really was.  How did I become that person.  The most difficult thing was the journey in finding it.
In order to really know who you are I believe there are some basic philosophies to it.  One being that your past effects your future and the other is what you are experiencing now.  There are also environmental factors, the way in which we choose to navigate our life.  The choices we make, have made, and will continue making.  But - there is one very dark thing about what your truth really is.
For the record, each blog I write reflects my life and I am strictly writing by my life experiences.  If I chose to just voice an opinion simply because I felt like it then maybe it would hold no relevance.  I write because it is sort of therapeutic for me and it also shows a little of who I am. 
Anyone who has experienced PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) or Repressed Memories - then you will understand this very painful area of what may be a contributor of your truth. 
To some extent the majority of people have sufferred from one or both of those two very heavy factors.  For me I have dealt with both and let me tell you - it has been one of the hardest things I have ever come to terms with and it is a challenge I struggle with daily. 
When I was getting older I was making poor choices in particular areas of some basic life choices.  You can know someone your entire life but never really "know" them.  There are people who have been in your life since it started, people you trusted.....who have been awful.  Once you realize you are really having some problems your life can become very difficult if it isn't already complete chaos.  I have always been a person who could talk to most anyone and was never shy about it.  The gift of talking is a trait I clearly inherited from my Dad.  He can talk to anyone on any given day but the trouble my Dad has is that it is somehow in the delivery of what he is saying that may somehow offend people.  My Dad is extremely intelligent and many people value his opinion.  And no - he is not a college graduate with some fancy degree.  I will say that with my Dad his intuition is spot on every time.  That is another trait I have inherited from him.  However, for me, I have ignored it most of my life and it has gotten me into some really difficult situations.
As more time passes I am finding out more about myself and what I found is that by uncovering my truth was like opening Pandoras box.....the unkind gift that keeps on giving.  With each broken piece I find I just sit and think that there is no way it could have happened or that is really isn't true.  I will analyze it until I can't think anymore. 
You can never know why people hurt you in the way that they do or how you could have allowed someone to treat you in the way that they have.  The truth of it is that we judge ourselves the way we feel we deserve and often times we are way too harsh about it.  It's not a fair trade.  So it's like "well this happened and I must have deserved it and that is why"...
That is wrong.  Abuse is never justified in any way.  Allowing others to treat you poorly is, believe it or not, something you do not have to tolerate.  Of everything I continue on the path of learning what has made me the person I am I have realized one thing: we have not only the power BUT we have the right to be treated with respect and humanity.  Very basic but easier said than done.  I know. 
Low self worth can be an obstacle to overcome and some people never do.  I refuse to let people beat me down.  It may happen after a particular situation and your nerves are just shot and you feel there is  nothing left in you but then you realize you absolutely must fight your way in beating the negativity.  I realize I am far from always being able to do that right away but it's getting better.  My Mom always told me I was such a grudge holder but as I've gotten older I realize that even when people have wronged you in the very worse ways, getting beyond the point in which you were broken is healing for you.  It's not about everyone else.  If you cannot be right with your own self you will never be right for anyone.  When you are raising children it is vital that you are completely in tact.  Leading by example isn't even worth it when you are stuck in self pity.  There comes a point where we have to get past it and by allowing yourself to find your own truth it doesn't mean it's all taken care of and life is hearts and unicorns.  We need to find as much as we can but not by means of self sacrifice either.  Basically it is learning about who you are but learning in a way that you can cope with what you are finding out. 
If your truth is painful, as mine has been, sometimes there are days where I feel so numb that I am just not me.  Other times I make myself physically sick.  I still feel those ways but now I will not allow those feelings to ruin me.  I can still feel hurt, confused, analyze it without any resolution, but I am learning how to deal a little better with the pain of my truth.  Meditation and relaxation are really great things.  Just learning how to become calm is a victory in it of itself. 
Find your truth and learn who you really are.  This facade we are trying to work may be easy to see through by others.  It's ok to not be perfect.  We are only human and your truth isn't right or wrong - it is what makes you who you really are.

COMPASSION

com-pas-sion
Noun: Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

This is one of many basic human emotions that so many people lack.  Maybe this is something you need to have experienced in your own life in order to realize the true meaning of what compassion really is.
When I have gone through something very painful either personally or physically I always know that there are so many others with so much more pain.  My Grandmother - she has taught me true compassion.  Not by sitting me down and telling me but by her example.  She is the definition of a true survivor and when I felt hopeless at different times in my life I would look at her and knowing all she had been through and never once did she not have a smile on her face.
I was raised in a household where compassion was common whether or not I knew the proper name for it.  For years, and even still, I have been shown this by my parents.  There were times we had nothing and my parents have always been humble people.  Their focus has always been on helping others when at times the uncertainty of being able to help ourselves was strongly around us.  Never once have they asked or expected a thank-you or patted themselves on the back for any of the help they have given to many people all over the community. 
For my age I have gone through quite a bit of suffering both on my own poor choices and for many other reasons but due to the examples I was and still am so fortunate to have, I can't live in self pity but rather to realize how fortunate I truly am.  I have people who love & care for me unconditionally and would put anyone before themselves - a specialty my Mom has the title of.  I've never met anyone so self-less in my life and I have been around many people. 
Growing up my family never referred to anyone as "that homeless guy" or "the strange guy picking up cans all over town".  These were simply people we always grew up knowing as simply another human being. 
Now in my full adult hood I have taken the lessons that were simply shown to me and that I paid attention to.  I owe all of that to my Parents, My Grandmother, and several other people in my life who have always been there to show me. 
In my opinion compassion is something that is naturally born in each and every one of us-  but it is in the way you are shown that makes us learn the true meaning of the word, the action (s) of it in its entirety that we can appreciate the true understanding. 
In closing I would like you to ask yourself this question: "what have I done for someone lately" and if you can't remember then there is a golden opportunity.  You don't always know it but simply being there for another person or even the smallest gesture can make all the difference to a person that might really just have needed that.  And yes, it really is that simple....

How Do We Deal With The Challenges of Parenthood?

Being a parent is the biggest gift we are given.  Someone once told me that you can never prepare enough and you can never wait enough but rather - you just "make" it the right time when it happens. 
There's this whole great part of parenting and the many stages you get to experience.  First you get all the cozy blankets and matching little clothes with the soft shoes - picking out the carseat and EVERY matching thing to it!  How exciting....
Then you get to watch your child grow up and we get to see things through their eyes.  Such a beautiful thing.  I feel like I am the one being taught rather than the one teaching.  I've never been a person with patience but I have learned how to be.  There is no greater joy you can have in this lifetime.
But what happens when your child/children get to the age where you can't always protect them and be there for their every move?  How devestating to NOT be there at school when the third tooth comes out but how proud when you see them learning to write, create, and socialize.  That's all great until the really hard challenges come.
What if you have a child with a mental disease or is physically or socially challenged?  As a parent I can say from experience it is the most heartbreaking thing to have to watch.  There is absolutely nothing you can do - no way to control the situation (unless you want to rip your child out of the environment that, sadly, they need), and the only thing we can do at the end of the day is love our children and tell them over and over that it will be ok and that not everyone is unkind.  I have spent so much time just holding my child and loving them and making sure they always know it - no matter the circumstances.  Unconditional love.
My experience as a parent has been absolutely extraordinary and so heartwrenching all in one rotation.  Much to my surpise I find that adulthood doesn't mean we are all grown up.  Life has taught me some really cruel lessons, I haven't always made the best choices, and people are still unkind. 
In parenthood, we must lead by example.  As our children are growing up they watch every move we make, how we handle our relationships, our tone of voice, our facial gestures and body language.  It is impossible to be perfect but we have to give everything and more. 
The challenges of parenthood never leave you just because your kids are growing up and experiencing life for themselves.  I'm not even at that stage but I dread it!  So much is just easier said than done and that's the bottome line.
The simple message here is to just be the best person & parent you know how to be and push yourself to be so much more.  This basic principle is a huge payoff not only for the child but for us parents who think we have it all figured out. 
We can't know what is in store for us and children do not come with a "how to" guide so there is no way to be prepared for the ever changing circumstances.  Just enjoy your children and love them....and never stop.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE FEEL PAIN WHEN THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT..

I have to wonder to myself how it is that people can turn their emotions on and off.  For me that is impossible to do.  To pretend something so important, something life-changing...yet in the end people disappoint you and hurt you. 
All that I can ask of another person is to treat me like a human being.  Not to shut me out, not to ignore me, not to acknowledge the good & bad times.  It's a hard pill to swallow at times.  We get upset that people don't "react" the way "WE" want but rather by their own behaviors no matter how wrong they may be.  It isn't up to us to feel for anyone else though at times I wish I could.  I think about what is in a persons head and in their heart.  What they are really thinking and if they are just avoiding for some sort of self preservation.  It's heartbreaking.  There are also people who just think that if they act like if they don't acknowledge it then maybe it really didn't happen - or that it was just in their heads. 
In the end, we are all held accountable by one means or another and as trivial as it may seem these are the things that make me lose sleep at night or make me feel like somehow I am not worthy enough of the things I deserve.  To put that thought to rest I think I will end this little thought I have shared and finally call it a night.....k