I'm trying to drink my coffee but I have rotater cuff tendinitis and had to have a cortisone shot two days ago. I was worried it could have been another blood clot after having to take the hormones that greatly increase the chances with my Factor V Leiden in the lead and after already having a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) ........the worst kind of blood clot you can have because of the threat it has of breaking off and traveling to your lungs causing a Pulmonary Embolism, the very thing that took my Dad's Father from him in transport to another hospital for his leg to be amputated. He didn't make it. With such problems I'm sad to say that this is just another day. I wouldn't feel alive if I didn't feel the pain that plagues me every day of my life in one area or another.
You wonder why anyone would want to be in your shoes. Sure, your life is good in so many ways but the secrets you hide from the world that only you know are like these demons that you can't shake. Everyone wonders why you "choose" to live such an existence. Choose. Such an interesting word to use.
When you have every single element of your life going on in a circular motion in your brain that does not allow you to rest, relax, or have any piece of mind then you wonder what is wrong with yourself. I know what is wrong with me but only after years of battling a debilitating problem that I mastered masking. Why would I ever choose this life for myself, for my son?? YOU DON'T CHOOSE IT. That is the point of it all.
Your brain tricks you into not listening to your instincts and rejects reasonable thought. You know better but you want to believe otherwise. In the process you get hurt over and over and not in one way but in a million. The results vary by person, by relationship. I thought it was always just something I wasn't doing right but deep down I knew I was dealing with something that was so much bigger than me. There were no names for what I was going through, no labels and certainly no doctors involved.
Beyond living the American dream that turned into a nightmare in my early teens took a turn to hell when I lost my Grandfather. I think that set the tone for the rest of what was to come in my life and the choices I would make. When he died I felt like a part of me died with him. It effected my family in a major way.
I don't feel sorry for myself and I refuse to feel victimized. My Grandmother and my Mom taught me better than that. The term "Lead by example" is one that both of these women have lived up to even more than necessary. It's ironic how you have this picture of what you hope to see your life turn out to be and it ends up completely off the path you started on. One thing I knew when I was quite young is that I would die at a very young age. My Grandfather's suicide glorified a strength that was not organic. It was false. Wrong. I understand why he did what he felt he had to do but I didn't and don't. After dealing with his tragic and violent death I lost several others by the same method. It's not a good feeling being on the receiving end of all that. I was given the saving grace of my life that I'm not even certain I deserved but obviously someone else disagreed. For that I owe my life in a different way - to make the most of each and every situation.
When you live in chronic pain, health problems that almost seem made up because of the embarrassment of there being so many of them, and the disruption I can't turn off. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I have had friends in my life who want to compete with me. ME. The person sick all the time. The person who has to lie because of the shame of what my life really is. The person who can never make a solid plan and has to even cancel the much needed doctor appointments because my body will not cooperate with what I need from it. Who wants to compete with that? Seriously? Unless you know this life you can never understand the toll it takes on you physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and how it rules your life as little as you can afford it to. There are times I have no choice but to surrender. When you weigh the odds and think that you should push yourself knowing what normally happens it isn't worth it in the end of that particular situation or circumstance. I have learned that lesson in a very difficult way. When you have another life depending on you and watching your every move you must tread lightly and really think....and I mean really think. It's no joke and you can't let on how bad it really is so it manifests itself until you are about to explode. Then you finally do. Or in my case the actual term is called "hypomania
Having a problem or illness is nothing to compete with. For me it's like a hot potato that I can't drop. Nobody should want to compete with such serious and dreaded things. It's a slap in the face when someone, more importantly a friend, is trying to "one up" you on the part of your life which you can only control by means of medication and maybe yoga & meditation. Needless to say I don't keep anyone around me who wants to have suffered from diseases, domestic violence, health problems with your children and even as much as financial problems.
It must be time to go - Lilly Allen is in my ear buds right now and "Fuck you very much" just came on.....Wish you all well and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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